April 28, 2009
Sunday morning (beautifully sunny, and about 4 or 5 C to start with, but warmed up some). I made friend bread and took it to “Another Chance” church-in-the-park… or should I say, church breakfast on the grass by the Presbyterian stone church, and then teaching-gathering in the basement. I am beginning to be more friendly; I find I AM shy but just being there more or less regularly makes one a part of the group and people are happy to see you and talk to you.
I seriously had thought of taking my guitar along, but with the fried bread it didn’t seem the right time. I need to keep practising though…. I think Your time is coming. The “teaching time” was okay… ___ is “feeling along Your way” – and one of the guys said we really need to be praying for him – and it struck me that I haven’t been doing that! Not to mention that I haven’t been praying hardly at all for my kids either… or anyone else much. I had to actually search around for my prayer book yesterday… now I found it… and it is time to start again… It seemed like I needed to “de-prayer” too… let the “old” go… and let the freedom of prayer in relationship with You seep in… and suddenly I feel “free” to pray – rather than “must” – I am just looking forward to it now!
When I came home, I was so tired I feel asleep for 3 hours or so! and didn’t do much of anything for the rest of the day either… certainly no “computer work!”
(oh! and hubby steam-cleaned the living room carpet this morning! Beautiful! And then I reorganized the living room and my little office, and set up my new printer)
Yesterday (Monday) I didn’t get my Bible reading done, so will do doubt today – I was going to say “have to” … but realized I don’t have to… but I do want to…
I woke up early yesterday morning and okay at first… but after breakfast I wanted to get going on clearing out the spare room for my daughter and her hubby and son who will be here tomorrow… but didn’t get to it right away… hubby wanted to go out for a drive (up Carmi way a few miles… wow, wild country with deep, deep canyons!). (which was nice… but oh, it made me long for more rural living… coming back, looking down over the city made me feel side)… and then hubby went into Wally World for a few minutes (I waited in the car), then we went to the mall for a bit… and when we went home I ended up falling asleep for a couple hours or so, off and on.
When I got up, hubby had gone to sleep for the day (having to work night shift), and I went out, mowed the lawn with the push-and-grunt mower while the sun was still shining (we seem to be getting sunny mornings and gray afternoons…) and cleared out the last of the junk from the gazebo (except the desks and bed… they need to go too) and then put the bikes, lawnmower, and pull-cart in there and tidied up the shed (hubby’s good idea) to put some of the spare room storage boxes out there. I came in… and between watching some more NCIS episodes (and even a new House episode) with my son, continued to work off and on in the spare bedroom. Put all the small “file” boxes in the hallways, and took the rest out to the shed (with son’s help, thank goodness!). I just have a couple odds and ends to do today… and need to vacuum. I would like it steam cleaned before they come but I think that will have to wait.
After my other daughter toured that house for sale and phoned me about it, she phoned hubby on Sunday morning to talk to him about it, as (he told me) she sensed I was less than enthusiastic…. Well, I really don’t want to spend that much money (and if I did, I’d want, I think, more yard space), and it isn’t near the water, and it’s “all renovated” (with nothing left for me to do), and there are strata fees (not high, but that would be on top of the mortgage payments)…
And I don’t know what hubby wants to do (or where and when he wants to go) – and the same with You! And I don’t want to be out of Your will (or his, either)… And I am kind of scared of getting excited again, and then having to wait and wait (I think that’s why I’ve been feeling sick and tired the last couple days)…. Lord, oh Lord, Your will be done!
Lord, please forgive me my lack of trust in Your times and ways, and all my shortcomings… and outright disobedience… You know… and please pour out Your Spirit on me every moment today…
(And Father, I do want to be a meaningful part of a gathering Your church… Your way, Your direction, Your will, plans, ways, timing, people… Your will be done! (please!)) Thank You!
…. later… so I tidied up, did dishes, muffins for breakfast. Then walked over to Tuesday coffee time (Another Chance Street Ministry). Had a really good – awesome – time listening to ___ (with input from others) talking about servanthood (aka real leadership); relationship with Father (like a boat heading toward Father: and everything else follows in the wake, so to speak; and forgiveness (and I realized that there IS a area in which I have been harboring unforgiveness… and I’ve been avoiding thinking about it, because a lot of my anger has to do with how others have been hurt (plus, yes, my own hurt feelings)… Father, I think I’ve held onto that… I have HATED how much it really hurt people… Father I DO want to forgive (but am I “betraying” others who have been hurt? This is an interesting thing: I don’t find it so hard – anymore, at least; I sure used to find it hard – to forgive things that hurt ME, but harder to forgive things that hurt other people I care about [but then why does this thing from last summer still fester, as I just realized it does?]… I think that recent event brought it back… or did I just hide it? I know I didn’t like being ignored after I, well… made myself vulnerable… )
…. later… after I got home from coffee time, I watched more NCIS with my son… and then finished up ready-ing the spare room, except need to vacuum still and set up the bed and all… and then I sat outside on the front porch to read Your word… and then inside, and a snack (and watch almost 1/2 hour of an HGTV show)… and started writing this… but now my son wants me to watch more NCIS… and more… and more… and more (pretty much all the rest of the day)…
So Papa … I wonder why I am being kept here at home watching reruns of House and NCIS with my son, and just “hanging out” with hubby… I guess it is maybe You keeping me from “doing”?!?! … Maybe You are “de-somethinging” me, Yourself?
April 29, 2009
The past two days have been a colossal waste, IMHO. No more TV! In the past, my son has WANTED me to watch with him. Then yesterday about 4 or 430 in the afternoon he was suddenly saying I don’t have to watch with him… but he kept putting on another and another and another episode… and I kept watching… till 9 pm.
Don’t know if I disbelieved him or what… but I do realize that at some point I got hooked… it wasn’t just for him anymore.
I had a terrble dream. The alarm went off (530), I hit it… and went back to sleep. And had an awful dream. I was calling out Your name, Jesus – and the horrible figure in the dream was mocking, repeating “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” when I called You… Finally, hubbycame in (in my dream) and dragged the thing away (and then didn’t come right back and that made me afraid too) and then I woke up (thank You… finally!). It had to have been a short dream, because it was perhaps only 13 or 14 minutes from alarm to re-awakening… but it was nasty. My daughter was just a little tyke in my arms, I was hugging and holding her, trying to protect her…
Father, why do we get those kinds of dreams?
I need to be closer to You! (And get up early to meet with You… and meditate in Your word, of course!). (Thank You). If I’m really going to BE with You… I must BE with and ABIDING IN You… first!)
Prov 18:10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe.
Mt 18:3 And He said, I tell you the truth, unless you change and become [humble] like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
Yesterday at coffee time, ___ mentioned that scripture about the last great judgment – and the people really do think they were doing God’s work all along: but He tells them, “I don’t know you!”… and others, who didn’t “see” themselves as doing God’s work, He says they did do it and He welcomes them. (___ said those are “in the flow” people – BEing with Father, not “trying to do” His work). And that is scary: so many people “working so hard for God”… but now knowing Him – and in the end cast out into eternal darkness…
