Journal jottings from today… and from a long time ago…
Just “praying from the list” again, and thinking about how “complicated” this whole prayer thing sometimes seems, and how maybe the way we wish (and pray) things will turn out, isn’t Your will after all, because You see the whole picture, and You know how it is all being “worked together”…
And again I was kind of wondering why You want us to pray, anyway – it isn’t as though You need our prayers… but then … if I am praying – even if I’m “praying from a list” and really don’t know how to pray beyond that Your will be done… just the simple act of praying, weak as my prayers might be, is an act of obedience, an act of trust in Your promises, in You (that You listen and answer, that our prayers are as sweet incense to You, that somehow You do use them for Your purposes)… and wonder of wonders, that in the act of prayer, we are opening ourselves (even if just a little, to start with) to communication and knowing and being in relationship with You – which is totally amazing and wonderful, and makes praying totally worthwhile. Joy!!! Praise God!
Thank You for showing me, this, Lord! Amen! Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit!
I was thinking of just not bothering anymore going through my old journals… but Lord, it is amazing to see the path on which You have taken me. Please give me wisdom in what to do about this…
I sure was influenced by books, and websites, and preachers, and email lists – many of which seemed very Godly – but one thing I am noticing as I go through these journals is how hard I was trying to not only be obedient – but to please You, and earn Your blessings, etc. And You kept saying to me, rest, know Me, love Me, respond to Me, follow Me. And I was – the best I knew how, following all those expectations of “church” and “ministry” and “tithe” and “perfect Godly families” etc etc etc. Not that those are bad things – but it does look as if they had become the “path to You” instead of being the outcome and portion of relationship with You. I was so weary… but I was also so convinced that doing those things was the way to please You and follow You and draw near to You…
And so in the intervening years You have allowed me to try and do it that way (man’s way, I’m beginning to see, more and more clearly…) and none of it – all kinds of involvement and service/ ministry etc in my “local church” (well, I just had to have a “church”- traditional, institutional, busy, programmed – didn’t I… even though it looks to me now that maybe You were even then trying to free me from all that, 6 years ago!) and then my 4 years of “Christian School teaching” (where You really opened my eyes to the tyranny of the world’s way, of society’s expectations… all so “well-meant” and so “ministry-minded” and so engaged-in for “Your glory”… even though my home-school years should have warned me… but of course I also wanted a dependable income… and forgot that You are that, too!).
How slow I have been at learning to know You, trust You, walk in relationship with You, step back and wait to see what You are doing, in Your purposes, Your timing, and to be content – joyful – to be part of it all, simply, as You open the way, in my day-to-day, moment-to-moment journey with You…
Lots of huge cheers coming from over at the Ironman Canada triathalon headquarters just now… considering the time of day, I am assuming the first of the bikers are arriving, and then setting off for the final run leg of the race…
Lord, Paul talks so much about disciplining ourselves, and running the race like an athlete… and we’ve made that a model for our “run toward You”… doing all kinds of difficult works, often being exhausted, being disappointed over and over because it seems there are so few wins/ victories along the way… but sticking to it (sometimes grimly) because the “old saints” are cheering us on (Heb 11/12) and because for us, at least, the prize is guaranteed if we just keep trying and working at it and stumbling on and on until we finally cross the finish line -
And there You will be to welcome us with open arms, “and so we will be with the LORD forever!” Which is a wonderful goal and promise – but I wonder… it seems like the goal is the thing, and the race, the discipline, the exhaustion so much of the time, are just inevitable prices to finally get to You…. Whatever happened to living and abiding in the Vine, being cared for by the Shepherd, being guided by the Spirit, and loved by Father… and knowing, being in relationship with Jesus, being a living, breathing, joyful part of Your kingdom, here and now (and, praise God, forever too!)?
For example, I love writing, and I’ve longed to share what You’ve given to me with others… but not as a “job” or even as “a ministry” but just as part of my daily walk with You through the garden of life (and yes, it does have its thistles here and now, and yes, there is “bearing our cross” – and I don’t mind that at all, if You are with me! I’m not trying to escape all that… I’ve learned my greatest lessons, I’ve come to know You and trust You the most, in those moments when I finally understood that You are the only choice after all, the only One worthy of trust and obedience and following… yes, in those times when all else failed. Including me.)
Time to stop for now. I need to “pray my list” some more – and then read those words You spoke to me on July 2, 2002… Thank You…
Dear Heavenly Father,
What would You say to me today? please – I do want/ long to hear Your voice – and obey and live for You. Okay – I’m listening….
…Norma, My dear precious child, I do love you! Draw near to Me. Rest your weary mind, body and spirit in My bosom. Lay back and lift your eyes. Gaze into My face. Know that I am the Lord Your God. Know Me. Love Me. Respond to Me. Follow Me, never ever doubt Me….
…Thank You, Lord. Your Presence is so real, so calm, so soothing. I feel as if I were floating in peace in a warm, dim amniotic bath of You. In the distance I see a glimmer of the light of Your glory. I feel You urging me gently to let go of my tension and worry. I feel You are telling me to just – let go. Let it all go. And just rest in You. Rest. Trust. Rest….
Father, I love You. You know how much I want to know You. Help me to press on to know You! (Hosea 6:3) Continue to speak to me, Father. Clear my mind of all that is not from You, and let me clearly hear Your voice – and act and obey! (like what You said about resting – instead of madly making plans in my own strength). I’m listening! Fill me with Your Spirit, Lord. Cleanse my heart, O Lord…
… I love you, oh My child. Rest in Me. Draw near to Me. Come right into My Presence. Let Me surround you. Rest your tired body and soul in My arms of love. Draw from my strength as the woman drew water from the well of Samaria. Draw on My Water and never thirst again. Let Me fill you with the eternal love and joy and peace of my Spirit. Rest girl.
…. Yes, Lord. Moment by moment. A sip at a time – or sometimes a great, cold, bubbling, refreshing draught! Joy! Whirling and twirling. Dancing with joy in Your Presence. True ecstasy. True love and passion! AGAPE – Your love, Father, Son, Holy Spirit!
“And she whirled and she twirled and she tangoed…” All those small glimpses of joy in my past… even in sordid situations… always pointing me, pointing me, pointing me… into the Presence of my God, my Lord, The ONE! “Surprised by joy!” Praise God!
