conversations, meditations, reflections
Posts tagged trust
My thoughts about “The End of Religion” by B. Cavey
May 16th
May 14, 2009 (again)
A friend of mine loaned me a book, The End of Religion, by Bruxy Cavey. Although I didn’t agree with totally everything in the book, there was a lot of stuff that I thought was really worth reading and considering… and so I sent an email to some of my friends whom I thought might be interested in it, offering to send them the quotes I had copied from it.
One of my friends replied, and passed on to me, for my consideration, a “review” by someone else who had read the book … and not only was the review very antagonistic to the book; it also seemed like the reviewer and I had read totally different books. I read it and was amazed again by Your love and grace – and this reviewer read it and proclaimed it to be “simplistic… dumbed down… significant error… contrary to the biblical message… heretical… wrong” and urged people to “Please stay away, far away from books like this.” I was astonished!
And all day I can’t stop thinking about how amazing Your love is… and I do want to obey You in return (the reviewer pretty much said that the book advocates a simplistic love of God without obedience to Him). One thing he wrote that really disturbed me was: “Adam and Eve committed original sin so we are separated from God and therefore need rules and a mediator in Jesus to help us live as we should… We need rules because sin is our true nature”…
But Father, when I read Your Word, I hear Jesus saying that we need Him and His sacrifice on the cross to free us from slavery to our sin nature… and that You have given us Your Spirit as well to guide and grow and help us… and that we love You because of Your love and grace toward us… and that as we live in You, abide in You, we will love You and others… and in that loving, come to true obedience – the spirit, not just the letter, of the law.
Okay, and the reviewer also wrote, “The Bible is the only way we can know Jesus and why he died on the cross.” But we can also know Jesus because He came and lived among us and taught us Himself… and died and rose again – and longs to live with and in us every moment by His Spirit! Without His Spirit, the Spirit of Truth, living in us, even the Bible is (to those who do not believe) a “dead” book, “foolishness!”
As I responded to my friend who had passed on the review, maybe the reason I liked the book so much was that it backed up what I have been experiencing in my walk with God: I love to obey Him because He loves me – I no longer feel rebellious against His rules and regulations because I know that He has made them for my good, because He loves me (though this does not mean that I also accept the rules and regulations and rituals of men who may even claim to be speaking for God, if their rules are counter to the Word of God – to Jesus, the Word, the Truth!).
When I read the book, I do not see the author advocating disobeying God – in fact, when I read it I see him all in favor of obeying God because of what God has done for us and the relationship God longs to share with us. The gospel message, the power of the cross, is shared clearly.
When I say a book is worth reading, I don’t mean it is “perfect” … What I mean is that it is worth thinking about – usually because it challenges our dearly-held preconceptions, the way we “perceive” truth… It doesn’t mean I agree with everything. I suppose that is why two people (the reviewer and I) could read the same book and have such totally different reactions to it… I came to it with the experience and joy of a relationship with God who loved me so much that He took the judgment against my sin upon Himself, and in doing so freed me from it’s bondage, and then gave me His Spirit to guide me in His way, His life, so that I gladly obey out of love and gratefulness… while it seems (though I could be wrong, of course) that the reviewer has come to the book with a deeply held conviction that at least as long as a human being lives, even as a “Christian,” the sin nature continues to control, and the only solution is to follow a carefully laid out list of rules, regulations and rituals in order to be obedient and thus please God (and, perhaps, earn or at least maintain, one’s salvation)….
(My first reaction was that perhaps the reviewer, who is clearly antagonistic to anyone whom he feels is “postmodern,” may not even have read the book, or had just skimmed it, looking for “evidence” of “postmodern heresy” … but on further reflection I really do think that the “preconceptions” we bring DO color our reaction to what we read, and even our understanding of it… Looking at it again, myself, trying to see it through the eyes of a belief system that emphasizes rules, regulations, and rituals – a belief system that I myself grew up with, and am therefore overjoyed to have discovered the amazing love and grace and of God – I can see how, with a deep adherence to that system, I could have at one time reacted surprisingly similarly as the reviewer did!)
The reviewer claims that the writer of the book “wants to whittle the Bible down to a simplistic message: Love God Love Each Other and get rid of all those pesky religious rules, symbols and traditions. This dumbing down of the gospel needs to stop.” The interesting thing is that in my read of this book, the author isn’t trying to “get rid of all those pesky rules, regulations” etc…. In fact, he says that they can certainly have value in their place: as part of your relationship with God, and definitely as an outgrowth of it: we love and obey Him because He first loved us! – but not as the road to God, or the way to gain His favor (or the way to “stay saved”) (or the way to make God and/or others love us and approve of us)! I do not read this book as a “get rid of rules” approach at all. As for “dumbing down the gospel,” I found this book spends a lot of time on the incredible importance of the cross, and of the fact that following Jesus also definitely includes the cross in our own lives.
The reviewer says, “Cavey says that we need rules because we do not love each other as we should” – and yes, he does say that… but Cavey goes on to tell why we don’t love each other as we should – because of sin! – and then he rejoices that God has provided for the forgiveness of our sin… and that if we accept that and are walking in relationship with God, our obedience will be greater (in quality as well as in quality, as we apply the principles behind the Biblical rules to our lives) than our “rules and regulations and rituals” (letter of the law) obedience because now we obey out of love and gratefulness (and spirit of the law), rather than simply out of fear or from being “forced to.”
The reviewer also says that the author “tries to demonstrate what our relationship with God should look like, devoid of institutions and rules…. Even in the beginning God did have one rule…” Oddly enough, when I read the book, the author did discuss the rule God gave in the garden; and nowhere in the book do I find advocacy of the kind of relationship the reviewer says the writer describes. On the other hand, the author of the book does advocate carefully considering the rules, regulations, rituals, traditions that we follow, as to why we follow them, and as to whether they really are Jesus’ message, and so on. And I think that is important, if we are to avoid, as Paul urged the Galatians, getting caught up again into the slavery from which Jesus delivered us!
Oddly enough (in view of what the reviewer claims about the book), I come away from reading this book wanting to OBEY God more, LOVE Him more: the two are inseparable, as the author says. The book challenges me to love and obey God even more, to share the gospel more (even if it results in persecution and people disliking me).
Father, that is how I feel. If I am wrong, please show me… but please, oh please, don’t take away Your love! If I had to go back to knowing about You and about Your love, in place of knowing You and being in a love relationship with You… oh Father, I don’t think I could bear it!
I want to obey You. I want to love You, honor, revere, respect, worship – yes, and also fear You with trembling … because of Who You Are…. Love, Truth, Wisdom, the Creator, the Way, the Life, the Light … God Almighty! Not because if I don’t obey a bunch of rules and regulations I will be sure to fall, or You will come after me with a big stick, or You will reject me.
Your Word says we love Him because [even though we totally deserve judgment and punishment - yes, death!] He loved us, and died for us, forgiving us that we might gain His life!
“Gospel” is good news!
……
By the way, my “readings for today” confirm this love of God that results in free obedience … the freedom Christ’s sacrifice has given those who believe in Him…. Check out Exodus 12: 13,17,41 Psalm 31 Psalm 32: 1-2, 5-11 Isa 31: 1,3 Isa 31:6-7 Acts 2:38-39, 42-47 Acts 3:15-16, 19-20 1 Corinthians 14:1,3,4,6,12,26,31
“trying” to trust…
May 16th
May 14, 2009
Slept wonderfully after lots of nights of very restless sleep and “puzzled” dreams…. Yesterday when I talked to ___ on the phone, she prayed for me (without me asking, or even telling her how I was feeling)…. Before she began to pray, I was so cold and tired… literally shaking, shivering, like freezing cold (but it wasn’t cold). And the last few days I’ve just felt so tired, my brain felt dead, and I couldn’t even carry on a conversation, expecially anything related to the Lord. It was like every time I opened my mouth, I either couldn’t think of anything to say at all, or a bunch of words would fall out but to me it made so little sense, I felt like I was just babbling. And then, as she prayed, my body began to warm up right through, and the shivering just stopped, and I felt so calm and peaceful, right to my depths.
And I think that maybe I’ve been “trying to trust” God in my own strength, keeping myself apparently calm on the outside – but my insides (my painful tummy, my dreams and tossing sleep, even the way I’ve been eating lately) are betraying the fact that I’m not really trusting You, Father. I mean, I think I trust You more than I used to… but at the same time, I’ve slipped into “trying to trust” by my own effort, failing to seek Your Spirit, and failing to really trust in Your love. Anyway, after ___ prayed, my body became so calm, and I fell asleep, and slept and slept and slept – and woke rested and looking forward to the day!
Afraid
Mar 31st
March 30, 2009
Okay! Dear Heavenly Father! I woke up from dreaming again about the past – triggered by the family stories I’ve been writing, I guess… questions, questions… trying to figure something out…
“Prayer” keeps coming up… I started to ask You questions, to talk to You, when I woke up… and the moment I did that, I instantly thought, no! I’m going to go back to sleep instead! And I instantly started to relax and was falling, sliding, gliding into oblivion.. and yes, I actually heard YOU calling me back, very quietly, but longingly… okay, so I’m here (and yes, relieved about it… I feel like I’ve been… imprisoned… in a dark no-where-place… not able to think. Like I had a lobotomy or something, only they left just enough, two or three, neurons connected, so that I still knew there was another place… a place I wanted to get to, but I couldn’t.)
This is crazy talk. I’m avoiding talking to You. I’ve probably been avoiding all along…. Okay so here I am. I’ve written all this foolishness when right from the start all I wanted to ask was the question that made me turn on the light and pick up this pen (because if I didn’t I would have forgotten again, lost Your voice, drifted off the sleep… and to avoidance or whatever it is… So here it is…
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME, FATHER?
Norma, my child, I love you.
Father, I know You love me. But I’m afraid. Okay, listen, I know that You love me, I know You are in control. I know all things work out for good, and that You can be trusted. So the crazy thing is – which I suppose means it’s crazy to even feel this way: to think this way – the crazy thing is that I’m not pleased about “possibilities” like having to stay here in this town, having to go back to “our church, Abundant Life” (that particular group, I mean… what about REAL Abundant Life? … that’s You speaking, isn’t it? Okay… so are You saying that You are going to provide “abundant life” for me in the middle of this life that I’ve wanted to escape from?
Listen, I knew I didn’t like this town much (except the beach and downtown walks and praying for the town when I used to do papers, and Sunday soups, and some pretty good friends and some dreams You’ve given me… the things that are really “me” I suppose… so are we back to that? … You know what, I think (of course You know this) I could a lot more easily and happily be hippy-dippy-teenaged-me (like I was looking at myself last night, laying there looking at my brown cords, and snuggly blue hoodie and long straight hair, and thinking, boy, I sure am not a “normal 53 year old woman’… and I asked my son that, and he said I just asked him the same thing – except that I said 52 years old – a minute earlier… which I did not remember asking him: I thought I had just been thinking it…
do You see? My brain, my mind, is drifting! I’m also afraid of getting old, of losing my mind, of getting, yes, demented! I’m afraid that all my writing is useless (and quite possibly stupid and just a little insane… like my mind has been getting the last few days!)… and I’m afraid of moving to Vancouver Island because I’ll be so far away from my other girls in Albertaland… but I’m so lonely here… I miss my girls, I want them all together… and I’ve been flooded lately with old memories… and I cry and I feel like a failure, and guilty… and yes, now I’m at a part in writing the family story where things are about to become more complicated, and maybe I’m afraid to get to that part… just like I’m maybe afraid to get to the teenager part of my childhood stories…
I’m also afraid of being alone… I’ve felt so alone lately…. Even seem “disconnected’ from my husband and son, even though they are right here. Even though my son and I have sat side by side day after day watching those silly TV shows… and at amusing moments looking at each other… smiling… raising our eyebrows… laughing together at the same things… it is nice, and it’s nice to have that connection again after so long… he’s really reaching out to me, I think… but we don’t talk… like we used to when we’d discuss his English or Social Studies assignments, or like when he was home schooling in grade 7.. I’ve felt so disconnected from my girls too…
And okay, here’s the thing: I’m afraid that my body and mind is getting old and breaking down. I’m afraid that the pain in my back isn’t just my slipped disc “acting up” again… I’m afraid that I’ve actually starting cracking my osteoporotic bones… and just as I’m writing this I’m seeing my grandma all bent over in her wheelchair with holes in her face (from the melanoma surgery) and her wig (because she was taking radiation) all askew, and a huge hump on her back (from the osteoporosis), and Grandpa looking at her with love… and my mom going crazy (dementia) and saying and doing nutty, weird, scary things and not making any sense any more and ending up in a nursing home all alone, with even dad not visiting her any more because it made him too tired and hurting when he was dealing with his own terminal cancer, and when she did get visits from me, I wasn’t the sweet, loving daughter I should have been. I was uncomfortable and afraid and she probably knew that… she was, well she seemed to be, a lot happier seeing the nurses than seeing me…
Is this what it’s about, too, Father? Lately I’ve been thinking about her a lot. And feeling sad. And hurt. And scared. And alone. I’ve missed her – missed the mom I had who was young and vibrant and smart and pretty and popular… and then she wasn’t anymore… and I’ve never been like she was (though I wanted to be)… but I’m so afraid of becoming like she became… and I’m afraid You aren’t going to protect me from becoming a little, shriveled up, ugly, sick, pained, lost, alone, shriveled up person in a wheelchair, curled up, lost, scared, unable to communicate, dying in a hospital bed, lost and alone, in a place, a dark, lonely prison place… like my mom with her dementia… and my dad with his cancer… and my grandma with her cancer and osteoporosis… even my grandpa who was one of the most interesting, smart people I ever knew, my hero really, seemed to be kind of losing his mind at the end (well he was 95 years old)… well, my other grandparents didn’t have those problems, grandpa just sat down from a nap and didn’t wake up, 87 years old, nice way to go, eh. And yeah, with my dad it was just the last few weeks of the cancer that just ate him up from the inside so fast till he just disappeared into a shell-body all wizened up, curled up, incommunicable.
But mom was like that for so long. And even her really good friends, lots and lots of them, didn’t want to see her anymore. Well, they wanted to see HER… they didn’t want to see this helpless, lost stranger who was all that was left of her… At least my grandma, with all her sickness, still had her mind and could talk to me sanely and lucidly, even in she was curled up and kind of scary-looking in the wheelchair, sometimes too tired and in too much pain to be able to always talk… but she was still there… but my mom wasn’t… well, sometimes she was, just a glimmer… and those occasional glimmers made me afraid that she was there a lot more than a glimmer after all, and that maybe we just couldn’t see it, and maybe I wasn’t kind and loving (well, I’ve never been, not like her, everybody loved her…) and maybe knew I wasn’t kind and loving… and maybe she was lonely and hurting and alone… and if she was lonely and hurting and alone, and everybody had loved her, how will it be for me (who everybody doesn’t love like they loved her, to start with?)
I do want to leave a mark. I do want to make a difference. I do want to be remembered in a good way. I don’t want to shrivel up and be a problem and then just die and people forget about me, block me out because the end was painful and people just don’t want to think about that. I want my life to count for something good. Useful. Famous, ha ha. Oh what the heck. I just want someone to love me no matter what. To need me. To think I m pretty and fun and smart and useful and bright, like my mom WAS. I don’t want the “was” part. If I’m going to have to become old and tired and in pain and stupid, I want to die now. (And even then, I don’t suppose people will remember me in the happy way they remember her).
I miss my mom, Father. But I don’t want to think about her, because there’s a part of her that I don’t want to be like. And that’s the part that is huge in my mind. A monster in the closet or under the bed just waiting to grab my leg and drag me under, as I turn out the light and leap for the safety of the bed under the blankets, curled up, fetal posture (oh dear…)
I suppose it’s a silly thing to ask.. and I do want your will, not mine… and if it really is Your will, it’s okay. You go ahead and do whatever is best, You know… but Lord, please, if it isn’t “needful” then I’d really appreciate not ending up like that. You know?
(And I WOULD like to live by the ocean… and be a bit of a hippy, You know… and Esperanza or something like that might be nice… I guess my old dreams are still hovering around. But my husband deserves happiness too, and the kids as well. I don’t want to be selfish. And goodness know You’ve already given me far more than most of Your children can ever dream of. So I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be wishing for more, I shouldn’t be “selfish.” The thing is, where does my longing to help others, end, and my longing to be loved and recognized and appreciated, take over?
…. Later…. Feeling much better this morning, after writing all that… so made breakfast, did dishes, tidied living room and kitchen, went to Walmart to get a couple things, home, hubby to sleep, and my son and watched 4 more episodes of House. Then I cleaned the upstairs bathroom and did 3 or 4 loads of laundry. Watched some HGTV. Bible reading… even my prayer book which I’ve been avoiding. Also did book-keeping… I really need to get some income, it seems to me… I’ve been wondering how we can cut expenses… eat more simply, don’t eat out at all, cut off cable TV… But I don’t know, Lord… these are things that hubby enjoys, and after all, he earns the pay cheque. So the only answer that I can see is me getting some work… Wonder what You have in mind??
…. later… man, oh man, the pain is back… big time! too much “feeling better” I guess!
Schooling/ education … disconnects… questioning… truth… wisdom… joy!
Jan 29th
January 29 (yes, again…)
Here’s something I’m wondering about… is there some connection between “self actualization” (and self-esteem, etc etc etc) and “assessment for – and as – learning” and “positive formative assessment” (the goal of the latter apparently being to create a self-motivated, self-monitoring, self-managing, self-efficacy, internal locus of control and self-motivation type learner? (lots of “self..” there…) ..
(And as opposed to “control from outside” …. but what outside is that? the teacher, the ministry of ed, the philosophers of education, the power brokers in our society – or a further, ultimate “outside” whose existence we prefer to deny… what’s with all this self-this and self-that which we are aiming for….what do we really fear? … God’s control?)
“… articulate the role of assessment in ensuring success, understand that their work correlates with their needs…” (Carol Ann Thomlinson, “Learning to Love Assessment” … including all those self-items above) … ah yes, back to Maslowe and his hierarchy of needs… hmmmmm…
Tim Krell, in a seminar entitled “Curiosity and Wonder – lost in School?” said words to this effect: “We want students to become independent learners – when we demand so much obedience, how do we get them to think for themselves? … simply love: uncontaminated by self-interest [as a teacher]. Is it easier to control than to love? …. Individuals who are just receptablces are not given the opportunity to be true image-bearers of God. The more they are receptacles, the less transformation of themselves and the world: passive role –> adapt to the fragmented role of reality deposited to them. We need to equip students to ask important questions and follow those questions to the end.”
So… God’s love for us includes giving us the opportunity to ask questions – and even make choices that are us-centered rather than He-centered… doesn’t it? What does it mean to be a true image-bearer of God? What does this mean for education and schooling, in practical terms? For “Christian education” in particular? For our walk, our relationship, our journey with God?
I quit teaching (in part, at least) because of the disconnect between:
1. the supposed theory of schooling/ education in our society (which is so much based on the self-actualization model) (theoretically…), and
2. the reality (which is so much about practical control in managing a large crowd of little people whose goals and interests and other aspects of their lives may have very little to do with whatever it is we are trying to teach them… or get them to learn… or get them to be learners… or whatever…) (and also about the formation of cooperative little citizens who will accept the rule of the powers-that-be), and
3. the goals of “Christian schools/education” which include, as we hope, ultimately producing people who, as Krell described it, are “true image-bearers of God” [what DOES that mean? that is HUGE....!] and “responsive and responsible disciples of Jesus” (Harro van Brumellen) and so on.
So, how do we create schools that have all these things happening at once? Is it possible? Is it even right? It seems to me, just to start with, that the philosophical understandings behind these three aspects of (Christian) education are each antagonistic to the others (even the first two, in the public school system, are antagonistic, I’m thinking…) … And yes, when “Christian” education/ schools accept the funding of the world system, is it not inevitable that it’s methods (and it’s underyling philosophies, more than we want to admit… “If you buy a statement [method, etc], you buy the underlying assumptions as well” …), and when we educate our teachers in the world system, but expect them at the same time to “make disciples of Jesus” – no wonder they burn out… OR perhaps they find others ways to handle the disconnect… like just find “something that works for me” and accept that (that’s pretty self-actualizing, you think?) … or leave and do something else… or maybe go to the ivory towers of the seminary or university to legally become a thinker (maybe… if the powers-that-be there truly allow it… or maybe just give up the quest for truth and try to find a pragmatic middle road…. or … maybe… fill journals and blogs with “drivel” like this????
(and yes, this problem extends into our “churches” and our “Christian organizations” … and yes, indeed, into our personal journeys with God… doesn’t it? Or maybe, after all, I am making something wisely simple into complicated foolishness… maybe even evil??… )
Dear God: You are so way beyond my puny little mind!
Psalm 29: 1 .. Ascribe to the LORD glory and strength. 2. Ascribe to the LORD the glory of His name. Worship the LORD in the majesty of holiness. 3…. The God of glory thunders… 9… And in His temple everything says, “Glory!” 10… Yes, the LORD sits as King forever. 11. May the LORD bless His people with peace.
(How can I experience peace in the presence of an awesome, fearsome, majestic, thundering, glorious, strong, holy King and God like You? … Yes, I know…. “a shelter in the time of storm” ). (You really love paradox….).
(So… I want to know TRUTH… ergo, I want to know YOU — more! (or should I just be content to be where I am, and stop struggling, and just wait to see what You show me next… yes?)(Did You make me this way – or have I just bought into the world’s idea of “intellect/ knowledge/ wisdom….”??? Lord??)
(I am also having a really hard time waiting to see what it is You want from me… why? Another buy-in to the world’s way?) (Do you really just want a love relationship?!!!!) (so simple… so why so difficult?) (yes, I know about the “fleshly nature” and so on…)
Do You mind my questions? Is it okay to wonder? Or am I not really living in faith … and love… and trust… and obedience… simply…. with You? (I thought I am… at least that I’m on the journey, and that You just love me…. Yes, YOU DO!!!) Thank You! 
(I love You, too!)
Thank You!
JOY! (dancing, laughter, trust… oh yes, and peace!!!!) (I AM Your child!)
Moving… planning it myself… or trusting God? … help me trust, Lord!
Jan 17th
January 16
Okay… so we’re planning to move, sometime this spring… or maybe summer… or when God makes the path clear… And the more we “plan” it, the more “paralyzed” I’ve been feeling. I used to be so pumped about moving. I mean, I had lots of of energy to do it… maybe because there seemed to be more urgency to get going – like when our Unemployment Insurance was almost completely run out and there were NO jobs where we were living; or when hubby was starting Bible School so of course there was a firm date; or because the kids were all graduating from high school in a little town, and we moved so they could get jobs to save money for college… stuff like that….
But what about now? True, there seem to be a lot of endings in this place – the last of our children has graduated from high school, both my parents passed away, my husband went back to college and has graduated with a new career in which he can get work almost anywhere, our landlords want to renovate the house we’re in and use it themselves… and all these things came together in a matter of a few short months. On the other hand, my youngest child’s orthodontal work (which we pre-paid) now won’t be done till summer, our savings are locked into a term deposit for a little while yet, with the economy it isn’t so easy to get a mortgage unless you have a guaranteed job (and no “probation” period), and so on! So maybe we aren’t meant to move on quite yet?
After visits with the bank and mortgage people, hours spent on-line looking for job possibilities in the new location and making up job-application packages, and so on, I got to the point that I just wanted to crawl under my blankets and hide away. The bank lady cheerfully said, “Oh, you can easily get a teaching job there” (well, at least a TOC job… maybe) … and I smiled brightly and said, “Oh yes, of course!” But as I walked out the door, I thought, “Oh no! I don’t don’t want to go back teaching…”
In fact, after all this planning and analyzing and down-sizing and saving up and so on, instead of being pumped about moving, I was feeling, well, like I said already, paralyzed! Scared! Hopeless! I realized that after a series of events (or fiascos!) in the past year or two, I’ve pretty much lost MY self-confidence. And, in panic, I rushed home and listed down all the pros and cons, and possibilities and impossibilities… all the time getting more and more depressed and panicked… and when I’d finally come to the end of MY ROPE, it finally occured to me to ask…
OH DEAR GOD…. I WONDER WHAT YOU WANT?!?!
Actually, in my journey I have really come to believe in day-by-day, moment-by-moment living (though obviously sometimes my old “super-planned-and-organized” lifestyle sneaks in and tries to take over again), seeing where You, Lord, are leading and how You are providing…
And, truly, I don’t want to jump out on my own…
OKAY – SO LORD … What I’m going to do now is go to Your Word… and ask YOU to guide us! Thank You! (and sorry for not doing this sooner..)…. Just going to today’s readings from the “scheduled” read-through-the-Word plan I happen to be using this year…. so I’m not trying to “pick out” what “I” want to see!…
Genesis 31-32…. hmmm… Jacob was 20 years in Haran until GOD CALLED HIM to return to Canaan
Psalm 16 5. “The LORD is the portion of my inheritance… YOU support my lot. 6…. my heritage is beautiful to me. 7. I will bless the LORD who has COUNSELED ME;… 8. I have set the LORD CONTINUALLY BEFORE ME; Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 9 Therefore my heart is glad… My flesh also will dwell securely… 11. YOU will make known to me the path of life; In YOUR presence is fulness of joy; In YOUR right hand there are pleasures forever.
Matthew 16:23 “But he [Jesus] turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me: for YOU ARE NOT SETTING YOUR MIND ON GOD’S INTERESTS (the things of God), BUT MAN’S.” 24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must DENY HIMSELF, and TAKE UP HIS CORSS and FOLLOW ME. 25. For whomever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. 26 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?
Numbers 30… interesting… regarding a woman’s vows to the LORD, and her husband’s right to confirm or anul them … yes, under the OT “law”… but also relating to a woman’s place under her husband’s headship (which is definitely NT… and a good thing if the example of Christ as head over the church is really followed!)
Hmmm…. conclusions? – wait until God clearly calls – where God has you is good; He is your inheritance and portion and support, which is beautiful! – God counsels you, instructs your inner man – if you set God continually befo you, you will not be shaken, your heart will be glad, your flesh will dwell securely – God makes known to you the path of life, and in that path is fulness of joy and pleasures forevermore, found in His presence – always set your mind on God’s interests (the things of God’s), not man’s interests – deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow Jesus – your true life is found in totally giving up your old life and following Jesus no matter what – you will be repaid for your deeds (so make sure they are Godly!) – what good is it to gain the whole world if it means losing your soul? – a woman is under her husband’s rule, so make rash decisions or vows!
So I do see problems in the path I’ve been taking:
- I made some decisions (like, “We will move on such and such a date”) that I really didn’t confirm with my husband… and I’ve been pushing him to follow MY ideas…
- I am allowing myself to be embarrassed about the possibility of not fulfilling the decisions I made (on my own!) and publicly announced to everyone!
- I”m being anxious to move on when “I” want to… instead of patiently waiting for God’s clear call, which instead of anxiety would allow me to enjoy His Presence, providence, and support
- I have not been “continually setting God and His interests before me.” I am worrying about what others might think; worrying about disappointing those who are looking forward to us moving to their location; worrying about the “guidance” of human advice (bankers, mortgage brokers, economic forecasts, etc); worrying about our “financial situation” which looked great a few months ago but not so great now with the economic downturn and less jobs available etc; worrying about our “retirement years” and income/ self-sufficiency, stability…. I am worrying and am not experiencing joy, security, gladness, rejoicing; those things that come from trust in God no matter what the circumstances look like…. I am in a sense trying to “gain the world” for my own sense of “security,” rather than following Jesus (in whom is true security) no matter what…. And yes, I don’t really want he potential “cross of suffering,” especially financially…
SO… – I need to relax, and totally turn this all over to God – I need to patiently wait for God’s clear calling (hubby and I both quite clearly feel we are to move on from here to there, but when and how and what we’ll be doing after we get there is not so clear) – I need to do nothing unless I have my hubby’s full agreement (and direction, too)…
Yes, I need to get back to day-by-day, moment-by-moment following Jesus – even if there might be “cross” events in it!
I’ve also wondered… Do I want to move because I’m hoping there will be more “opportunities” there (for me!)? I have felt here that I am really not “doing anything significant” to serve God (and make ME “look good,” feel “personally fulfilled,” and such… Yikes!). Of course, I do want to be near our children and grandchildren… and I love living near the ocean… Am I also being influenced by thoughts of maybe getting to be involved in a “mission” over there that appeals to me; and maybe getting to spend more time with First Nations people (yes, I’ve really missed that… and missed “native church” too); and the chance to be close to some good friends from the past…
I am lonely here… I’ve had good friends here… BUT some have moved away; and some have started families and are busy with their little ones and of course are naturally hanging out more with others who have little one; and some have left the church we’ve attended (why is it that when people leave a church, it seems like that automatically is the end of those friendships which seemed so strong???); and some have just gotten super busy with jobs (just making enough to live); and some have developed illnesses and just don’t have the energy to visit much; and some have gotten really involved in volunteering or programs or hobbies or whatever; and then there are all my “work friends” – when I left my teaching job, that seems to have been the end of most of those friendships, though of course most of those “friendships” took place at the workplace or at staff parties…
And it’s not just the fault of others… with hubby working nights, I want to be home with him in the evenings when activities and dinners and visiting often happens… so I’m in a time when I’m mostly just available mid-day (when most people are at work!)… and of course “I” am the one who “dropped out” of the school (job), and I have made choices not to be so tied into “programmed living” …
Why do we lose our “friends” when we lose the “organizational hook”? I miss small town life, because in bigger towns (and this one isn’t even huge), friends are simply so geographically spread out. I really did try to befriend my neighbours, chatting with them over the fence, inviting them for coffee or meals or Christimas drop-ins… but to no avail… whatever happened to “neighborhood”?
Yes, Lord, I am lonely. I love my time with You (and am honored and delighted to have so much of it!) but I seem to need human companionship, too… and, oh yes, I don’t seem to be adjusting well to being an “empty-nester” after so many years of 5 children, and their friends… yes, I do miss my daughters very much… and I do miss my mom, too…
I’ve tried to be a Titus 5 older woman, but can’t find younger women to find time with… they don’t feel comfortable, I suppose, hanging out with an old lady (I sure don’t feel like an old lady! but I guess I look like an old lady to them… guess that’s another one of those not-so-great things about our society….
Lord??? Please help me trust… and wait…. and rest in You!
No wedding cake? Lord? Help me not panic… help me trust You, please!
Jan 8th
December 24 (more)
We did lots of work at the church today… all set up pretty much for both ceremony and reception… just need to do food prep, iron table cloths and set tables on Friday.
All ready for Christmas.
Another daughter and her family arrived. The little cousins are so cute together!
Made ambrosia and cran-orange jellied salad. Cleaned my son’s bedroom and got it ready for my daughter and her family. Got last-minute groceries.
Didn’t get the wedding cake…. I think the bakery lady just forgot…. Oh well…. I was really disappointed, also really panicky at first. But what’s done is done. My daughter says we can get a cake from Safeway. She doesn’t seem very upset. Well, it will help the budget a lot! I’m sure I shouldn’t have panicked so much. But I guess I’m tired – and I just wanted the wedding to be as perfect as possible. I did pray and ask You to work it out – and then went ahead and panicked anyway… (sorry… well, more now than at first…)
___ says I could still make a cake myself. I guess maybe I could… maybe angel food cake mix, butter icing with little flowers or whatever. I’m just so tired right now I can’t imagine how to fit that in with Christmas eve tonight, and Christmas day tomorrow, and Boxing day the following day, and then the wedding… and so many family and friends coming, and a house full of company…
Well, what’s done is done. That’s all.
Dear Lord – Do You think I could maybe just sleep well tonight? Please? I am really having a rough time the past few days. Maybe just too tired. And stressed – though I really don’t think so. … My brain is fried too…
Being distracted… and pondering debt vs trusting God…
Jan 8th
December 24
Dear God, A wierd thing happened yesterday. I pulled onto Main Street (which is one way) and drove the wrong direction. I know I was a bit distracted thinking about the wedding and all, bu I went a whole block (the street was empty) before I got to the intersection and was surprised to see all the lanes facing me across the intersection were full of cars sitting there facing me at the red light! I quickly turned the car onto the side street and scooted away – but it felt like I had kind of “blacked out” … and then I went to the grocery store and felt hazy while I was in there – and when I came out I had NO idea where I’d parked the car.
Lately every now and again I’ve been feeling that way – just really spaced out. In a scary kind of way. Oh dear God, I’m so freaking afraid of losing my mind like my mom did her’s (dementia). (Sometimes I even wonder if I have a tumor or something in my head). I haven’t felt particularly “stressed” – though I seem to wake up in the wee hours quite often, like now, and then can’t get back to sleep… maybe I’m getting sleep deprived or something. Hubby seems to sleep an awful lot lately… but he says it is because he just lies and tosses and turns for a long time before going to sleep.
Dear God, I don’t know what’s going on, but it scares me. Please take care of me, of us… Thank You! Please fix what’s wrong…. (Maybe I am just tired – getting older – and a bit stressed…. If I am, please help me to really trust You and rest in You…)
Dear God, yesterday I was talking to ____ and he was saying he is planning to go in debt related to the ministry he is involved in… And Lord, I was really troubled, because he said that the idea that “God will provide” is just another one of those wealthy North American church ideas that is wrong (I could tell he meant like the “prosperity gospel” and such)… But God, the thing I felt (and I really felt right now that You are saying to me, “The Word that I spoke to you…”) that You don’t want us to go into debt, and You will provide… if we are in Your timetable and in Your “economy” and following You, seeing what You are doing, and joining in, in Your time and way. Your Word says, “Trust in the Lord with all your might and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths” (Prov 3: 5-6) AND “My thoughts are not your thoughts nor are your ways My ways… My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts” (Isa 55:8-9) (and that goes on to say in v 12 “For you will go out with joy And be led forth with peace”- and dear God, there is no joy and peace if one is in debt – is there? Especially if one chooses it?)
AND “But seek first (continually seek!) His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added (provided!) to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Mt 6:33-34). And when You sent out the disciples to minster, You told them, ‘Take nothing for your journey, neither a staff, nor a bag (knapsack, beggar’s bag),; nor bread, nor money: and do not een have two tunics (outer garments) apiece. Whatever house you enter, stay there until you leave that city…”(Lk 9:3-5).
Lord, over the years of my walk with you, I have learned a few things – and I believe they line up with the principles in Your Word. Like:
- Your timing (especially in seeing “results”) is totally different than ours. You are not in a hurry like we are because You see the big picture and You see how every step of the journey is a step closer to Your kingdom purposes. So every step is important and You are using it and will continue to use it (to weave it into the great tapestry, so to speak – and there will be no fraying in Your work!) – it’s so hard for us to just take the journey with You one step, one moment at a time, because in our human viewpoint the “end” is coming so fast, and we feel like we need to “succeed” and “finish” and get things all wrapped up neatly, sooner than later. But dear God, Your kingdom is an eternal kingdom… and the journey with You goes on forever… and yes, there is an urgency to “bring in the harvest” so that as many as possible accept Your redemption/ salvation/ propitiation… but us rushing ahead of You (to try and “do Your work” … instead of just participating in it as You do it… so in reality we are so often trying to do it “for You” which really means making it “our work” and taking it out of Your hands (“As children bring their broken toys/ With tears, for us to mend/ I took my broken dreams to God/ Because He was my friend/ But then instead of leaving Him/ In peace, to work alone/ I hung around and tried to help/ With ways that were my own/ Finally, I snatched them back and cried/ “How can You be so slow?”/ “My Child,” He said, “What could I do?”/ “You never did let go.)
Right now I look at what You are doing in my daughter and her husband-to-be – and I remember, over and over, being frantic that You would “bring her totally to Yourself” right then and there… because “what if???” Lord, we need to learn to live in the “eternal now” WITH YOU, and leave “the future” alone, totally.
It seems to me that ___ is panicking… it maybe seems to him that the 4 years he’s already been involved in this ministry is an awful long time, and he should have “had success” by now, and since it seems like he “hasn’t had success” or whatever, however he sees it, maybe he is anxious to try something different to “make it happen” or whatever…
I keep hearing Your Words, dear Jesus: “The Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.” Oh dear God, it just seems to me that we spend so much Time, Talents, Treasure trying to create a place for You to “lay Your head” (Mt 8:20) – and for us at the same time, of course. I wonder – if every believer made friends with one poor person or family, and shared their food, clothes, maybe even housing with them… would we still have a “homeless problem” … yes, probably somewhat because of sin… but would it be such a big problem? … we do need to “reach out” – and yes, we do “always have the poor with us” and “can do good to them” whenever we wish (Mt 14: 7) – but what about the poor in the kingdom… we don’t even take car of thoe in our own body: it’s like we say, “OH well, the feet aren’t very important; I’ll wash my upper body and clothe it, but I’ll not worry about my legs and feet.” And so they get dirty and cold and dry and cracked and injured and infeted and all that – and the bod ends up lame! Hmmm…
And what about “in this world… but not of this world”??
SEEK YE FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS – AND ALL THESE THINGS (eat, drink, clothing…) WILL BE PROVIDED
Yes, we are called to sacrifice… but Lord, I don’t think that means we are called to put ourselves deep into debt… we really only need enough for today… and if we are really seeking Your Kingdom and righteousness, obeying and trusting You – why can’t we trust You to: a. knw what we need today, and b. love us enough to provide it (whatever it is – usually not what we think!) (including, sometimes, physical/ temporal, needs….)
Jehovah Jireh, my provider! Gifts instead of sales!
Jan 8th
December 20 (still more)
Sewed buttons on hubby’s Haida button vest. Finished the first “Haida” heart… and worked on the second one. Set up hubby’s Facebook: lots of people are signing on as friends! Yay! Finished my son’s cookbooks.
I went with my son to the mall, and he bought me a book on Haida Gwaii with beautiful photos!
In the afternoon, a young couple came and got a lot of things from my “Freecycle” sale. They are just setting up housekeeping, and were thrilled to get so many kitchen items etc for free. They are both students, and were also delighted to get many packages of notepaper and many notebooks, as well as pens and other stuff I have left over from when my kids were in school. I then posted a new list of remaining “stuff” on Facebook and Freecycle – and by evening 3 sets of folks had come by and took a lot! A young mom with a newborn baby girl was delighted to take the baby girl items I’d bought at sales before my two grandchildren were born this fall – and turned out to both be boys! Another mom with 4 children, homeschoolers, came by and was delighted to get many toys, coloring books and markers, and other such things… the kids were thrilled too! Early Christmas! I’m thinking from their delight that this is going to really make a “Christmas” for them! Wow! And still another young man came and picked up lawnchairs and other items for the cabin where his organization does “Outward Bound” activities to help youth in trouble! Now I know why You didn’t send anyone along to “buy” from my yard sale! You had a real Christmas-style free-gift event in mind! Wow! Praise God! (And with all the incredible buys and freebies and such You’ve been providing for us for Christmas and the wedding, I haven’t needed the “yard sale money” anyway! Wow! Amazing God! “Jehovah Jireh, my provider! Your grace IS sufficient for me!”
Trusting… and doubting… and prayer… and leadership… ponderings
Jan 8th
December 15
Today was hubby’s day off. We did more Christmas and wedding shopping. And today I made 4 layer cakes. And this late afternon I put up the Christmas tree.
One of my sweet children is having some troubles. I used to panic when things like this happened. Now I still feel kind of sick to my stomach (it hurts kind of steady these days…) and kind of numb… but maybe I really have learned that panicking – and rushing to “help” – really doesn’t help… and that some things are best left up to YOU. (It’s hard for a mommy not to be able to at least give her far-away baby a hug…)
December 16
Today I baked 4 more layer cakes and 5 more pies (did 5 yesterday as well). Reorganized freezer and fridge freezer to fit them all in!
Bought some more groceries today, also. And ordered the bridal bouquet and bouteniere … to be picked up on Dec 27 at 10 am.
Lord, thank You for taking care of our finances! We must be careful – but at the same time, You are providing what we need. I was feeling tempted to “put off the tithe just in case”- but always You do honor us when we give our first fruits to You!
It’s an odd thing… despite the clear evidence of years and years (all my life!) of Your care – and of Your care throughout all the history of mankind! – I still get these “blips” in my mind, suggesting that “What if it is all your imagination after all?” This has got to be the voice of the enemy! Oh dear God, please forgive me for the times when I stop and listen and even wonder for even a moment or two (or even longer… I’m so sorry!). Even now as I write, I can hear that nagging little voice! Oh dear God, even the the reality of the enemy proves Your reality! Thank You for helping me see that! Thank You for Your Spirit speaking to me, in my spirit/heart, even as I bring my prayers (all that is in my heart – and mind – brought to You!) to You! Thank You!
Oh! Thank You for showing me that, too, about prayer. It is Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication (“ACTS”) … but it is more – it is deep interpersonal communication, Heart to heart, Spirit to spirit – relationship between You and me – where I can be free to open myself up completely and know You will understand and will love me and will guide me into all Your ways, purposes, and truth! thank You, Lord!
(This right now! is what I’ve been missing and longing for. Maybe I do need to rise early after all… I can always nap later in the day when hubby is asleep after his night shifts). Thank You! Amen! Praise the Lord!
Just reading about Korah, Dathan and Abiram; claimed that ALL God’s people were holy and that Moses and Aaron were just lordng it over the others – Korah wanted the priesthood – not satisfied with the Levirate service – 250 leaders followed him – and obviously also a lot of the congregation agreed since they blamed Moses and Aaron for the deaths of the “LORD’s people” after God punished the rebels…
I believe God does call us to be content with the service He assigns to us! We are all priests and equal in that respect – BUT He gives us different gifts and tasks: some MAY SEEM more important but all are needed to complete the body – we all NEED ONE ANOTHER …we need to be content (in fact, happy, delighted!) with where God has placed each of us – We need to be careful about jealousy in the body: though we also need, I think, to be careful to recognize if authority/ leadership does come from the Lord, or if people are taking it upon themselves. What is the evidence? Fruit of the Spirit, etc! Pray and ask God. Pray for leaders… What else, Lord? Am I right here – or wrong? Please show me. Thank You.
Pondering about poverty and wealth
Jan 8th
December 12 (more)
Lord, today I looked at the Haiti pictures that K___ took… sure gave my heart strings a bit of a tug… wow, couldn’t believe the hospital kitchen and lab facilities.. so poor and decrepit…. Lord, I don’t even know what use I’d be if I sent somewhere as a missionary?? I always assumed I could teach.. but I wonder how much of what we consider “education” would even be of any use to people who are that poor? And even Bible teaching.. what is core?? (Maybe we spend way too much time on peripherals?? like the “finer points of doctrine” and “issues” and stuff??) And I can see from those pictures how we need to feed and care for people, not just preach and teach to them… (and how much we could learn from them like about what “needs” really are – compared to “wants” – and having the joy of the LORD in the midst of such despairing poverty… and being “thankful for small mercies!” Wow!
Lord, I read today that in Singapore people often wear pyjamas (and nightgowns!) out on the street as well as at home (and not just teens wearing jammie bottoms!). Apparently it started when people first began to have enough money to buy actual pyjamas instead of just wearing their clothes that had gotten too raggy to wear in public! We have a hard time imagining that! Wearing pyjamas outside proved that you were getting “wealthy!”
Boy oh boy – we really do have way too much stuff!! More and more I’m just wanting to DOWNSIZE!! (Sometimes, though, I wish for a place big enough to invite our kids to stay with us when they need to – or want to… I mean, when we move and buy a place… This place is cozy but still big enough – in my way of thinking. I guess not everyone would agree with me, though…)
As I sit here, i keep thinking, “Oh, I better get to my prayer list…” and I guess I will… but I do want to hare with You the thoughts of my heart… seeing as I’m thinking that some of them, at least, are coming from You – like the compassion I’m feeling after looking at the Haiti pictures – and the indignation (righteous, I hope) that I feel about our obscenely greedy culture and nation, and about our love of personal independence, and fame and wealth – our worship of those things. Makes me feel sick to my stomach.
On to my “list prayers”….
