(In case this seems a bit scattered – you have to understand that I wrote most of it between 3:15 and 4:00 am … but after some more sleep, and some serious thinking, and research, and reflection… I am going with it!)

I just woke up with an epiphany – that’s an . . . → Read More: epiphany: ah-ha moment! Novel Under Construction!]]> May 13, 2010

(In case this seems a bit scattered – you have to understand that I wrote most of it between 3:15 and 4:00 am … but after some more sleep, and some serious thinking, and research, and reflection… I am going with it!)

I just woke up with an epiphany – that’s an “ah-ha! moment” for those of you who may not have your dictionary close at hand!

Here it is: Write my Mother’s Journey blogsite story (which is currently in the form of many chapters of journal notes, mostly conversations with God) as a novel!

So how do I go about it? Hmmm…

Read some similar novels (similar storyline, similar worldview/perspective…)

Study/review on how to write good stories; and on novel forms/techniques.

Maybe even contact writers of such novels and pick their brains, ask for advice…

Father! YOU spoke this idea into my mind – and heart! Wow! It certainly never occurred to me, though I’ve wondered and wondered what to do about that site…

E-book? Maybe… but more likely (first, anyway) paperback. Self-published? Or even produced by a real publisher?!? Oh, Father! Your will be done!

Get out those writing books I ordered and start learning…

NaNoWriMo the first draft? (You know, sit down and just write, write, write…)

Print out the online blogsite edition, and read it through. Start marking it up.

(Father, You eed to help me with that – give Your direction! Some one out there – perhaps many someones – need something this book has to offer… Or You wouldn’t have planted this idea! Something You can offer them – through this book?!?!)

Read The Shack again? Other books that feature conversations with You? Papa? Please lead me to any and all books, stories, etc, that You know I need to get prepared. Thank You!

Father, that blog/web story has seemed to have just “sat there” for so long… doing almost nothing… and yet – who knows? ___ read it, didn’t she? (And if she alone was helped by it, encouraged to turn to You, walk with You more closely, that would be enough in itself. But I sense You have more. A much larger plan. Thank You! In Jesus’ name!) Lead please! Your will, Your way…

Probably, start with a “present” incident – looking back… to the beginning. And then the story of those years – and finally, back to the present again?

Integrate any suitable material from the Prayers and Meditations part of my Conversations, Reflections & Meditations website, into the Mothers Journey material. (Hmmm… better do that on the computer since so much of it is typed already… but how? Just cut-and-paste it into the current version? But I don’t want to confuse things that way…)

I can print out and work by hand as well, of course. (Yes, that small laptop would be handy, lol… the one my son and son-in-law have been encouraging me to get the past couple days… still, I really like the one I already have…)

Maybe end up with an e-book options too? Perhaps… but I hear You saying, “Traditional novel format first!” Okay. Your will. Thank You, Father.

Oh! Integrate stories from The Hill Gang story site too? Totally makes sense. A novel is STORY – not just reflection and commentary. Well then, I better “fill in the blanks there, eh! I have jotted down so many “missed” stories since I did the original. Well, this will be excellent motivation to get those written down – and those will be great story-writing practice, too. Yes!

Father? How “real life” do I make this? Oh my goodness…. What will the “real” characters think? How will they react?

Include them in the process? Papa? Is that YOU telling me that? I mean, it seems like a great, exciting idea. IF it is from You … because at the same time it seems pretty scary….

Hmmm… maybe a multi-author book? For sure, send them the drafts, proposal, etc etc as the process unfolds. And include them and their thoughts, ideas, memories in the whole process?

Wow. That would be something! You speaking into their lives – my life too – our lives, together – through the writing process, drawing us together – with You! Oh Father, that would be so amazing!

What? Write this as the beginning of a blog? A blog that tracks the entire novel-writing process, and includes others’ comments and input and suggestions and feedback? I mean, the story is the story – but what should be included, how it should be presented, writing technique… Open to all blog followers who want to be part of the process? Their comments part of the whole process? They themselves part of the process? Maybe the process becomes, in some way, the opening chapter?

Well! That would be different, for sure. That’s what “they” keep saying new writers and new on-line entrepreneurs need to do. Find a unique niche. Offer something that not only is a passion for myself – but meets needs of others, and offers them the opportunity to participate, share, learn together, produce together. On-going conversation. Involvement. Excitement!

And of course, the process then becomes its own buildup to the book’s release down the line!

Hmmm… I could actually do the process right on the Mother’s Journey” site, couldn’t I? Or maybe better yet, start a whole new site – a site that could become a “hub” for the other sites, pulling everything together.

Record all the process. List and describe other novels I read, books and other resources I research, and what I’ve learned. Post my drafts and edits and encourage people to critique. A novel-in-process. Under construction. For all the world to see – and take part in, if they like! (Has anyone else tried this? I wonder? I know that some authors, like Piers Anthony with his highly entertaining and successful Xanth series, includes many puns suggested by his readers – and gives them credit! Very multi-authored in that sense.)

Network! E-mail the 110 plus e-mail friends I have – and also notify my nearly 500 facebook friends – and the members of the e-groups I belong to, especially the writing groups, and The Word Guild Canadian Christian writers group I belong to, and the local Penticton Writers and Publishers club I attend. Send out a survey to get initial input and ideas. (And more later on, if I get stuck). And ask questions at related blogs and websites I follow. And, oh my, guess it’s time to start tweeting on twitter and hooking up to other similar networking sites (well, yes, I need to do that anyway, on my present sites, including my two main daily blogs, Pen ‘n Paper Mama and my Church Journey blog (which, now that I think of it, also has some potential material! And my other two blogsites and my website which I’ve already mentioned…

Crazy! I love it!

Oh Father, if creativity comes from You – this is surely proof of it. You, the Creator, the Source of all great creativity! Amazing!

(If this is really from You…. yes, it has to be… please show me, Father! Thank You! Woohoo!) (Is it okay to say “woo-hoo” to You?!?!?! lol…)

The automatic sprinklers just turned on outside my window… reminding me of Your Spirit… watering the dry and thirsty ground… Reminding me of You, Jesus, offering Living Water to the woman at the well of Samaria – and to her whole city – and to the whole world! Reminding me of the waters of baptism. Reminding me of sprinkling rainfall, of spring showers, of new life!

That old song comes to mind:

It’s beginning to rain, hear the voice of the Father
He’s saying “Whosoever will, come drink of My water,
I promise to pour My Spirit out on your sons and your daughters,
If you’re thirsty and dry, look up to the sky,
It’s beginning to rain!

(Well, those are the words we used to sing! I checked the internet for the lyrics – and found many versions! The original lyrics are by William and Gloria Gaither, 1979).

Oh Father! Let Your rain fall on me, on my family, on all Your children! The world! Papa, please use this book, this story – this gift from You! Thank You!

Well, I was only going to jot down a couple quick notes to help me remember this ah-ha moment when morning comes, then turn off the light and get more sleep. But now it’s almost an hour later, as Your ideas just kept coming to me, tumbling over me – and I had to switch the light back on, and write them down… as they kept coming.

Oh! The automatic sprinkler just switched off. Does that mean I can go back to sleep now? Lol… Good night!

And to my readers: It’s almost noon now. And I’ve started my new hub site. It’s definitely in the “under construction” stages … but I’ve posted this “start” there – and your comments are welcome! Check out the original site of this story to get a general idea of what it’s about. And then come join in, and become a (recognized!) participant in this newNovel Under Construction project!

Just woke up this morning with a need to pray for someone… for Pastor P, I think …. I don’t know the details, all I can pray is that the enemy’s efforts to block God’s work downtown will be overcome…. and that God will give Pastor P godly wisdom and truth in what he . . . → Read More: Urge to pray perseveringly – for what? For Your will! For victory over the enemy’s attacks!]]> 28 January 2010

Just woke up this morning with a need to pray for someone… for Pastor P, I think …. I don’t know the details, all I can pray is that the enemy’s efforts to block God’s work downtown will be overcome…. and that God will give Pastor P godly wisdom and truth in what he says, and the end result of the downtown association meeting this morning will be in fulfillment of God’s purposes alone, and in God’s way and timing, and all and only for God’s – Jesus, Father, Holy Spirit’s – glory alone. (Where did all that come from? I didn’t even know who to pray for… but started anyway… and then the person’s name came… and then details! That is how the Spirit works!).

I still feel urged to keep on praying…

Dear God, whatever this urgent situation is, whether it is what I think it might be about, or something else altogether (maybe even other people, too… maybe You are calling me to go on to pray for others… my children and grandchildren and families perhaps; or people in Haiti or elsewhere in trouble; or maybe D&L (haven’t seen them for awhile; please take care of them, Papa); or whatever, whoever You have in mind for me to pray for… oh Father, there are so many needs everywhere! But oh dear God, whatever it is You are calling me to pray for (and I do think it is especially about Pastor P and his outreach…) please – Your will be done, and You be glorified! Victory in Jesus!!!

I just tried to start my Bible reading – but You are saying, “Keep praying!” This is a BATTLE, isn’t it? Dear God, please be victorious! Father, with one word from Your lips, all evil could be banished… and yet You choose to let Your children battle through prayer, and even have Your angels battle the fallen ones (like in the story of Daniel)… and it can take a long time (and it does seem like the enemy often surges forward and wins many skirmishes and battles along the way…)

(And yet… we know the final outcome – we know You win the great war, and that good prevails and evil is destroyed – we know that Jesus brought the victory, the life eternal, the restored relationship between You and Your children, once and for all, on the cross – 2 thousand years ago!)

(I just re-read The Last Battle of Narnia (by C S Lewis) again, recently – and the children and the good Narnians are broken-hearted, for it appears that the good and true Narnia has been defeated once and for all time, and is no more – but then the dark stable door is opened, and they step through, thinking it is the end – only to discover that it is truly only the beginning, and that the real, true Narnia is alive and growing and wonderful and will last forever, and that Aslan will never again be far away from them!)

Well, then, satan: Persevering prayer is necessary! (Since you were sitting on my shoulder this morning, suggesting that one little prayer should be enough, and reminding me of times when I prayed perseveringly in the past, and yet it seemed like nothing good happened, and sometimes it even seemed like things got worse… but as I reminded you, the one thing I prayed most perseveringly about (and am still praying about), and which seemed for a long, long time to become only darker and more hopeless, has finally, years later, begun to break out gloriously into God’s light and life – and I KNOW the darkness can never overtake it again!

You simply don’t want us to pray perseveringly, enemy! Because you know that persevering prayer is “mighty to save!” You know God uses the persevering prayers of His children to fulfill His purposes and draw His children into ever-closer relationship with Him! Persevering prayer destroys your own plans and purposes, satan, and you can’t stand it! You fear it! You know that the war is already won, and that any little apparent wins for your side in the ongoing battles and skirmishes you launch, are only temporary, and that your time is growing shorter every day.

(Papa! I asked You just a few days ago about “persevering prayer” and now You have answered – in a mighty, hands-on way! Not just “words,” but yes, in the thick of the battle! Thank You! Amen! ? Praise the Lord! ? )

Psalm 24:8 Who is the King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle! … 10… The LORD of hosts, He is the King of glory!

1 Thess 5:17 pray without ceasing

Jude 20 praying in the Holy Spirit

Acts 1:14 devoting themselves to prayer

Philippians 4:6 in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving… and the peace of God will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus

Ephesians 6:10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13. Therefore, take up the full armor of God [truth, righteousness, gospel of peace, faith, salvation, the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God], so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm!

Luke 11:8 “I tell you, even though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his persistence he will get up and give him as much as he needs. 9. So I say to you, ask, and it will be . . . → Read More: praying specifically… or maybe not so much]]> January 25, 2010

Luke 11:8 “I tell you, even though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his persistence he will get up and give him as much as he needs. 9. So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 10. For everyone who asks, receives, and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it will be opened.

I have been wondering about – well, not persistence so much (though I have been sensing I need to be more persistent in my prayers, especially for the salvation of family members and others, and for the fulfillment of God’s purposes in His church and kingdom, and so on). But wondering about the whole thing about “praying specifically.” Some people thing this is really important – and that “not praying specifically” is a cop-out and shows lack of faith. (I guess this also goes along with “pray big” … and maybe even “dream/ envision big” …)

Anyway, the thing I wonder is whether it really is best to, well, tell God exactly what we want/need/desire and/or tell Him exactly what to do, or beg Him to fulfill “our vision” or whatever. It’s just been my experience, over and over, that God’s foreknowledge and eternal purposes and sovereignty are so far beyond our imaginings (or even our faith…) – and I dread the thought of short-circuiting His plans by insisting on mine! I know I often feel quite certain that God is speaking to me about this or that – but always I am concerned that my own wishes and perceptions and desires might be getting mixed up in it all.

July 5, 2009

(a new journal! Again! … this one #98!)

So I made the lemon loaf and then realized I didn’t put sugar in it – but it turned out well anyway, just a bit smaller and slightly different texture, but still plenty sweet with the topping!

I did walk . . . → Read More: Thoughts on prayer]]>

July 5, 2009

(a new journal! Again! … this one #98!)

So I made the lemon loaf and then realized I didn’t put sugar in it – but it turned out well anyway, just a bit smaller and slightly different texture, but still plenty sweet with the topping!

I did walk over and check out if there was church-in-the-park, but nobody was there. So I came home and started reading the Above Rubies magazine, and 2 things really struck me! On was the article about prayer… Oh Papa, I want to pray more. I haven’t been praying “from the prayer manual” hardly at all for some time, and not much at all journaling (didn’t even write in my journal for a whole week while on holidays), and was thinking, oh, I’m not praying at all! But then I realized that I stop and talk to You really quite often throughout the day… and hubby has been praying with me way more often!… and people keep coming into our lives, and either praying with/for us, or asking for prayer… and though I have not been bold to pray aloud, I have prayed those requests for the most part. And I pray when I wake up and when I go to sleep, especially for Your guidance in my life, and for Your protection and leading and salvation in the lives of my children and their families. And I also just noticed that I seem to often – even very often – be carrying on an “on-going conversation” with You just as each day goes on.

But the thing that impressed me in the article I read was the need for “formal” (intentional, regular) times of prayer, morning and evening, with the whole family. Father, You know how through the years when the kids were growing up, that I tried to encourage that, but it wasn’t easy, and as they got more into their teens it became almost impossible… but at that time You and I spent much time together alone… THANK YOU! Still, I do want to spend more time now, intentionally, with You – in Your Word and in prayer. And I still long to pray with others – with my family first of all, with other believers (Your body… I am thinking maybe it is time to go to “prayer meeting at church” again after all…)

And Father, then I read those articles about NC’s family who live close together and do so much together and pray together and support each other (and eat so healthy, and garden, and not only live on the same homestead but also have an amazing camp ministry)… and oh, Father, lately You have been so impressing on me to pray “impossible, miracle” prayers… to ask You, trusting and believing, to provide the means for the dreams YOU have placed in my heart (and yes, after all my doubts and wonderings, I have come to the conclusion that “my vision” really is YOUR vision… and that Your plans that You’ve placed in my heart are REAL…

And before I sat down to write this, I found myself praying (with wonder and awe and even disbelief and shock, wondering if I dared ask…. So that I ended up kind of just trailing off… sorry…) – Well, I found myself praying that You would provide a place where all our family could live together, like a facility like Pine Grove Camp… when the boys could get work in the area… and where we could get the place with our $15,000! Now, talk about impossibilities! And yet… that is what I felt led – by You – to pray for. And here I am writing it down, recording it (and having the guts to post it up where all the world can see)… Am I crazy, Papa? Or have You just been waiting patiently, all these years, for me to get to the point of asking You for the impossible?!?! (Oh yes, and of course a place that is also large enough to have a retreat center/ camp/ whatever, just like in the vision YOU gave me!)

Oh dear God! Almighty God of the universe, of ALL! YOUR will be done!

(Thank You!)

(later again, same day)… So I really felt led by You, Lord, to go to church for the pre-service prayer. I have to admit I felt very awkward, as I haven’t been to a full Sunday morning church service for a very long time. But I SO needed to be in Your Presence with Your people in prayer together. Quite a few people were there… about 4 or 5 kind of “dominated” the praying with kind of long, “good” prayers… I haven’t heard that kind of prayer for awhile, and I found myself being “critical” of it. But then S asked everyone to stand and join hands and go around the circle with sentence-praise-prayers. I have never felt comfortable with the whole “stand and hold hands” thing, though I think it is good to encourage (not force!) everyone to pray at least a few words (but even that can be hard sometimes for some folks…. It was kind of hard for me today… but I needed to… lately, I’ve found it very hard to pray aloud if I am praying with more than one person).

After the prayer time, before the service, S gave me a handout he has written about “The importance of prayer.” I really wasn’t feeling enthusiastic about reading it… but when I sat down to write this, I pulled it out of my bag and started to skim it… and realized it is a confirmation from You about praying more!

I am really having trouble with the whole “prayer” thing.  It seems like I just cannot “focus” on, well, “focused, intentional, formal” – whatever – prayer.  My stomach feels sick every time I think about it.  I open my “prayer manual” and pray for a few people/requests listed there, but soon I just . . . → Read More: questions about ‘formal’ prayer….]]> May 12, 2009 (again…)

I am really having trouble with the whole “prayer” thing.  It seems like I just cannot “focus” on, well, “focused, intentional, formal” – whatever – prayer.  My stomach feels sick every time I think about it.  I open my “prayer manual” and pray for a few people/requests listed there, but soon I just can’t “get into it” – or I get distracted – and close the book.  I am adding “prayers and praises from the Word” and do mean it as I pray them which writing them down.  And I pray for people when they ask or when I see they need prayer or when You show me to pray (You tell me… or I look at situations and Your Spirit moves my spirit to pray… You know…); and when I’m playing my guitar and worshiping at the same time; and when I read Your Word I’m listening for Your voice, and conversing with You; and I do a lot of conversing with You in my thoughts, just off and on all day through the events of daily life, small and large; and I turn to You and give You the day when I wake up; and I’m learning to thank You more and more; and I have a lot of conversations with You about things I read about You, hear people say about You, etc. etc., just as those things come up; even in my dreams I ask You what is going on there; and I turn our future over to You again and again (I am terrified of trying to take it into my own hands… but the enemy tries to get me into that trap anyway… and lots of other traps too… oh I NEED YOU!!!)

But I’m not doing much formal praying… like I hear that guy saying we need to pray for ___ and for the “ministry” he is leading and so on… and then I feel guilty because I’m not “faithfully praying every day” in a formal, planned way, for particular set things like that.

Is it true that if we are open to, listening to, looking out for You (Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit – God!) in all our daily life, and are open and eater to be part of what You are (I was going to say, “what You are doing,” but it just seemed right to just write “what You are!”)… Is it ture that that is part of “prayer” too?   It is part of relationship with You, and it is part of communication, even communion, with You…

but You do say, dear Jesus, “When you pray, say…”  – so You assume prayer… and fasting… and You even say to pray often, both alone with Father, and together… and persistently…

So… there is “abiding” … and prayer is a part of that… in some ways it’s an integral part:  “pray without ceasing”… but there is also a definite place for intentional prayer, isn’t there?

I think maybe I’ve just been avoiding “formal/ intentional/ yes, even structured!” prayer, as I’ve been avoiding in the same way anything else that smacks of enslaving rules, regulations, rituals… I am afraid of getting dragged into “slavery” to those things.  I see, reading that book, that those things are inherently evil – or even inherently “religious” – in themselves, but the enemy loves to draw us across the line, away from abiding in You, our vine; from following You, our shepherd; from focusing our eyes and hearts on You, our Lord, our Head, our Savior, our God… moving from function… to form  (the root of the words “formal/ formality” by the way!).  I don’t want to be “doing” instead of “being.” (Though of course “being in You” works itself out, manifests itself, in “doing with You”).  (But I do want to be sure the order is right!  That it really is “all about You, Jesus!”

Matt 21: 21 Jesus replied, I tell you the truth.  If you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to this fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, Go, throw yourself into the sea, and it will be done.  22.  If you . . . → Read More: If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask in prayer? Really? Papa?]]> May 4, 2009 (yes, again…)

Matt 21: 21 Jesus replied, I tell you the truth.  If you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to this fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, Go, throw yourself into the sea, and it will be done.  22.  If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.

(Years ago, I read this story about this missionary in some third world country, who was running an orphanage.  The problem was, the children were often sick and listless because it was so hot and humid.  The orphanage was located on the back side of a mountain; on the other side was the sea, where wealthy people went to enjoy the cooling breezes and fresh air.  The missionary thought, if only our children in the orphanage could experience those healthy breezes… and so she prayed, Father, couldn’t You move this mountain out of the way?  And then, guess what happened?  A big company came to the coast side of the mountain and wanted to build a big resort there, so they brought in big machinery and literally moved the mountain into the water to provide more land for the resort… and then the sea breezes came straight to the orphanage, and the childrens’ health improved, just as the missionary had dreamed of and prayed for!)

Jesus (You promised this!), Papa (Jesus was just repeating Your Word!), Holy Spirit (the power is through You!) – is this promise really true?  If it is, what does “have faith and do not doubt… believe” really mean?  That has to be the key, because there aren’t any other “if’s” here… although goodness know (and we quote other scriptures to justify ourselves) we add lots of “if’s” – excuses! – ourselves:  if it is the will of God; if it is righteous; if it fits in with God’s purposes; if it isn’t selfish or capricious; if it doesn’t conflict with other more important needs of others; etc, etc, etc.  BUT.  You just say, Believe.  And frankly, I’ve prayed for things and thought I really believed… and didn’t “see the answer” (there’s another “if” we use:  if Your answer isn’t “no/ maybe/ later/ etc”) (or:  You do answer!  but in a time/ way/ place/ etc that we don’t expect… so we don’t recognize the answer… but that’s our problem, isn’t it? …)

Well??? (Am I asking a wicked question?)

(If your statement is really true, I’ve really been missing out!  I don’t want to miss out!  Papa! Jesus! Holy Spirit!  Please help me truly BELIEVE… whatever that fully means! Please!)

One of my children was going through a very difficult time today.  Hubby and I were praying about it, and I was being so attacked by the enemy, to the tune that God so often h asn’t answered my prayers for my kids, and that He won’t this time either, and that my child . . . → Read More: You do answer prayer!]]> March 9, 2009

One of my children was going through a very difficult time today.  Hubby and I were praying about it, and I was being so attacked by the enemy, to the tune that God so often h asn’t answered my prayers for my kids, and that He won’t this time either, and that my child will really not trust God after this, and so on….  And so hubby prayed for God to protect my from these attacks of the enemy…  And then I was so mad at these lies that I just shouted out in anger, and told the enemy that God is infinitely stronger than he is, and that God does – and will! – answer prayer – and then I begged the blood of Jesus on my children….  and then I fell on my knees and raised my arms and praised God – and knew He was in control!  (none of these “responses” were planned, and none were “typical of me”!)….

And then I went to my “daily Bible reading” …. and through Psalm 68:10-20 and Psalm 67 (which “just happened” to be the readings for today) God gave me total peace…

And then my child let me know that the stressful situation had really miraculously been resolved.  So I told her about my experience this morning with the prayers and scripture… and we were both happy!  Joyful!  Thank You Lord!

……..  So I spent the rest of the day working on my “church journey” site…  http://normajhill.blogspot.com

Right… so I’ve written nearly seven pages already in my journal this morning… and what I really meant to write as soon as I got up, was…

Last night at 8 pm I was suddenly exhausted, so I trundled off to bed, and as my foggy head sunk into the pillow and sleep came . . . → Read More: A way cool answer to prayer!]]> March 7, 2009 (again!)

Right… so I’ve written nearly seven pages already in my journal this morning… and what I really meant to write as soon as I got up, was…

Last night at 8 pm I was suddenly exhausted, so I trundled off to bed, and as my foggy head sunk into the pillow and sleep came whooshing down, I groggily thought, “Oh no!  I forgot to set the alarm to rise early for time with the Lord.”  And I was just way to tired to even lift my head from the pillow, but I did pray, “O Lord, please wake me early for prayer…” and then I just crashed asleep.  And I didn’t wake up all night, I don’t think.

And then this morning, I had a dream that I woke up, and I lay there in my bed praying and praying, spending really focused time with You, and I was so happy… but at some point it occurred to me that I was still asleep, and praying in my dreams!  And I really woke up, and there was early daylight coming in through the skylight, and I looked at the clock and it was 6 am!

And I was so joyful, for You did answer my prayer – double!  In a sense You woke me early – TWICE!  And I had a wonderful prayer time with You in my dreams (believing all the time that I was awake), and then You woke me up again (really!) and I just started praising You, and prayed and gave the day over to You (again!)…  and then I got up and grabbed my journal because I wanted to record Your answer to prayer… and instead You drew me into this reflection, this conversation with You about this whole fasting thing… and You spoke to me through Your Word, too…

And now, here I am, three and a half hours later (including having made breakfast for hubby…) finally recording (and thanking You! Yay!) for answering my three-quarters-asleep cry, “Please wake me early, Lord, for time with You!” – answering it in a way bigger way than I could have imagined!  Oh Thank You!

Well, I want to spend time in Your Word, though I think I’ll shower and dress first, in case someone comes by, or maybe You send me out… to do justice, and love kindness, and walk humbly with You… and others!  Lord?!!?

I just put batteries in my little slide displayer, so I can go through Grandpa’s old Summerland slides and choose a frew favorites to scan (and maybe print and put in the old Summerland album… ).  That’s about all the plans that “I” have today… wonder what You might have in mind?  (adventure!)   Thank You, Lord!

I moved my computer and bookcase downstairs into the corner of the dining room, from the spare room upstairs.  Now the spare room is definitely a “getting ready to move” space!

February 24, 2009

Dear Heavenly Father, Jesus, Sarayu Holy Spirit!  Good morning!  I need to (must!) start going to bed early enough that I can . . . → Read More: Talking to Father about prayer…. and feeling “at sea”….]]> February 23, 2009

I moved my computer and bookcase downstairs into the corner of the dining room, from the spare room upstairs.  Now the spare room is definitely a “getting ready to move” space!

February 24, 2009

Dear Heavenly Father, Jesus, Sarayu Holy Spirit!  Good morning!  I need to (must!) start going to bed early enough that I can get up early (like now) to spend quality time with You.  It seems like I just can’t focus once the day gets going.  My best focus time is early morning, before I’ve been talking to other people (hubby gets home shortly after 7 am) and before I start doing other things, because then I just want to “get into my day” – I seem to have such a long “to-do list” – although some quite major projects are finally kind of winding down!  I shouldn’t even check my Facebook or emails when I first get up (especially Facebook!) – well!  Thank You!  Yes!  Facebook – and TV – would be great things to “fash from” next week… and tough for me to do, too…

Lord, You know I haven’t been “praying from my list” for some time… must be close to a month, I think?  (Time has been flying past).  I am thinking maybe I should do like I used to… write out (or type out)  my prayers… and divide them into days of the week… or just cycle through them as time allows… or???  I really miss regular prayer.  People say to just “pray without ceasing” – to be in a constant attitude of prayer – talk to Father all through the day, in whatever You are doing – “practice the Presence of God” – and all those are good things in themselves, but the example and teaching of scripture, including of Jesus Himself, as well as people like Paul, is to also include “prayers” or “praying” regularly, that is, focused prayertime with You, dear God – to Father, through the Holy Spirit, in Jesus’ name… me, with You all!  together!  in close, intimate relationship!

I have, I’m afraid, come to kind of dread my prayer list.  For one thing, it keeps getting longer, and it takes a lot of time (although at this stage of my life, You have given me plenty of time:  so it’s really a matter of prioritizing what I want to do with that time… and I do waste a lot of it, with Facebook, TV, etc…. I don’t quite know what to do with the whole TV thing – I do waste a bit of time during the day with those home shows, though it’s been helpful in planning, looking toward our future home plans – but mostly I waste time in the morning ( news, mainly), and evening (various programs), watching TV with hubby… but he seems to want me to spend time with him in that way.  What about that, Lord?  (At least I could tell him I must go to bed earlier!)

As for Facebook, I should just force myself to only check it once a day.  Period.

Also, the “list prayers” seem so repetitive.  Well, I don’t really feel that way about prayers that are close to my heart personally, like for my kids and other people I know well… but I find it harder with people I don’t know, and especially when I don’t know if the “requests” are even applicable still.

I guess also a problem is that I’ve been praying pretty much for individuals, and not so much for communal needs and concerns, so maybe I need more balance there (Like when I used to pray for “transformation of our communities,” for native groups I’ve been associated with, for our nation, etc).

I have been writing down scriptures under “topics” like “cries for help; times of discouragement; for forgiveness; repentance and renewal; adoration, praise and glorifying God” … so I can “pray the Bible” when facing those kinds of needs or circumstances… but then I don’t seem to recognize when those times come up….\

The thing is, I don’t seem to know or at least recognize any more, where I’m even “at” in these different areas.  I seem kind of flat, emotionally – and even generally.  I am plugging through my to-do list, but not in any very organized way.  I’ve really been trying to walk day-by-day, moment-by-moment with You, Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit… but it seems like my life is so scattered, like I don’t have any single “big project” that gives me a goal, or that I am passionate about, or whatever.

For years, I was raising my kids.  And there was a time when I was big-time “involved in church,” trying to find “my gifiting” and become part of some big, important, useful ministry.  And of course, the past four years I was teaching school, and trying to understand (and trying to implement, at least as much as I could)  the whole “teaching Christianly” thing.

After I resigned from teaching, I spent a month and a bit working like mad on learning more French… and then there was all the excitement for a couple of months with the arrivial of our new grandsons, and then I worked at the bakery for a month, and also did the NaNoWriMo challenge, and then December was all about Christmas and our daughter’s wedding and family visiting.

But January and February… well, the first couple weeks were just some much-needed rest… but now?  I was all gung-ho about getting ready to move, and have done stuff about it (getting hubby’s job applications together, looking into mortgages, downsizing with freecycle sale #4, etc)  but it just doesn’t seem to be moving very fast, and I’m even wondering if You’d rather have us on Haida Gwaii (there is a care aide position posted for Masset – casual, though) (and when I mentioned it to hubby, he said he would love to go back there, but that it is too far from our kids and grandchildren, and too expensive transportation-wise, and so on).  I still do feel You want us to move, though… somewhere on the coast.  We’re still thinking northern Vancouver Island.

I’ve finished going through my journals (finally) and I’ve finished the “Mother’s Journey.” And I’m ready to post up my “church journey” but don’t quite know where and how.

I have packing to do.  And pictures to put from albums to boxes.  And digital photos to organize and save on discs.  And more focused blogging to do.  And my childhood stories to write.  And our family story to work on, and scanning pictures to illustrate it.  And lots of paperwork to complete – income taxes, pension, mortgage pre-approval, job applications…  And I still want to go through my “teaching Christianly” and “homeschool philosophy” notes!  And I really, really want to get my website seriously up and going and organized!

And, oh dear, I need to majorly clean this house!

Not to mention spending some time on hobbies like photography, quilting, crochet and embroidery, guitar, etc.  And I still haven’t ordered our passports….

Maybe I’m also feeling “at sea” because I’m no longer tied into the “politics” of church.  Lord, I really would like to be part of a body, a community of believers, a family (day by day)…  without politics…. Lord??

I’d like to be involved in some way in the street ministry or something… but it’s such a guy thing at the moment.  And I long to do something interesting with hubby…

I’ve been realizing more and more how many ways You’ve provided for “intellectual pursuits” for me, even if they aren’t “formal” learning (well, some of them at least, like those teacher conferences, were “semi-formal” – but no “paper” at the end (which isn’t such a big deal anyway)… and it seemed like I was the only person on my staff interested in such theoretical/ philosophical topics…. and I feel like that at church, too…. maybe theoretical type learning is just a waste… and I should just get practical?  … Lord??

I do need to praise You more… at church on Sunday I had a hard time “getting into worship” …  hmmmm…  The concordance at the back of my Bible defines “pray” as “ask, worship” … So maybe that’s part of my “prayer list” problem – lots of ask, very little worship!  (I remember, fondly, my written prayers of worship, back in the day…)

So I woke up this morning with a sore throat, splitting headache, sore eyes, sick to my stomach… allergic reaction to those cleaning products…  And so I didn’t “go to church” … not even to “church in the park.”

I have not been “praying from my list” hardly at all the past couple weeks at least… . . . → Read More: Prayer without ceasing]]> February 15

So I woke up this morning with a sore throat, splitting headache, sore eyes, sick to my stomach… allergic reaction to those cleaning products…  And so I didn’t “go to church” … not even to “church in the park.”

I have not been “praying from my list” hardly at all the past couple weeks at least… though I quite often think of individual requests and just pray for them then and there… I should no doubt pray more for these “supplications” ….  But I have also been realizing once again that prayer includes all the time I’m thinking of You, talking of You, journaling, the things I’m doing because of You, getting excited or thankful when I see Your works, read Your Word, hear Your voice… yes indeed…. that is what I want” life in the vine… prayer without ceasing! …. practicing the presence of God!!!  (Not (of course) that I’m there yet, but oh dear God, thank You for moving me in that direction – Your direction – and please forgive me when I get distracted (especially when I choose to be distracted!  Oh dear… I am sorry…)

Thank You for all the “church” You brought my way this past week!  It was awesome!

I am tired now.  Maybe I need some “Sunday siesta” Lord?

Question for myself:  Do I fill the places I go with the “spectacle of God’s presence”?