January 16
Okay… so we’re planning to move, sometime this spring… or maybe summer… or when God makes the path clear… And the more we “plan” it, the more “paralyzed” I’ve been feeling. I used to be so pumped about moving. I mean, I had lots of of energy to do it… maybe because there seemed to be more urgency to get going – like when our Unemployment Insurance was almost completely run out and there were NO jobs where we were living; or when hubby was starting Bible School so of course there was a firm date; or because the kids were all graduating from high school in a little town, and we moved so they could get jobs to save money for college… stuff like that….
But what about now? True, there seem to be a lot of endings in this place – the last of our children has graduated from high school, both my parents passed away, my husband went back to college and has graduated with a new career in which he can get work almost anywhere, our landlords want to renovate the house we’re in and use it themselves… and all these things came together in a matter of a few short months. On the other hand, my youngest child’s orthodontal work (which we pre-paid) now won’t be done till summer, our savings are locked into a term deposit for a little while yet, with the economy it isn’t so easy to get a mortgage unless you have a guaranteed job (and no “probation” period), and so on! So maybe we aren’t meant to move on quite yet?
After visits with the bank and mortgage people, hours spent on-line looking for job possibilities in the new location and making up job-application packages, and so on, I got to the point that I just wanted to crawl under my blankets and hide away. The bank lady cheerfully said, “Oh, you can easily get a teaching job there” (well, at least a TOC job… maybe) … and I smiled brightly and said, “Oh yes, of course!” But as I walked out the door, I thought, “Oh no! I don’t don’t want to go back teaching…”
In fact, after all this planning and analyzing and down-sizing and saving up and so on, instead of being pumped about moving, I was feeling, well, like I said already, paralyzed! Scared! Hopeless! I realized that after a series of events (or fiascos!) in the past year or two, I’ve pretty much lost MY self-confidence. And, in panic, I rushed home and listed down all the pros and cons, and possibilities and impossibilities… all the time getting more and more depressed and panicked… and when I’d finally come to the end of MY ROPE, it finally occured to me to ask…
OH DEAR GOD…. I WONDER WHAT YOU WANT?!?!
Actually, in my journey I have really come to believe in day-by-day, moment-by-moment living (though obviously sometimes my old “super-planned-and-organized” lifestyle sneaks in and tries to take over again), seeing where You, Lord, are leading and how You are providing…
And, truly, I don’t want to jump out on my own…
OKAY – SO LORD … What I’m going to do now is go to Your Word… and ask YOU to guide us! Thank You! (and sorry for not doing this sooner..)…. Just going to today’s readings from the “scheduled” read-through-the-Word plan I happen to be using this year…. so I’m not trying to “pick out” what “I” want to see!…
Genesis 31-32…. hmmm… Jacob was 20 years in Haran until GOD CALLED HIM to return to Canaan
Psalm 16 5. “The LORD is the portion of my inheritance… YOU support my lot. 6…. my heritage is beautiful to me. 7. I will bless the LORD who has COUNSELED ME;… 8. I have set the LORD CONTINUALLY BEFORE ME; Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 9 Therefore my heart is glad… My flesh also will dwell securely… 11. YOU will make known to me the path of life; In YOUR presence is fulness of joy; In YOUR right hand there are pleasures forever.
Matthew 16:23 “But he [Jesus] turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me: for YOU ARE NOT SETTING YOUR MIND ON GOD’S INTERESTS (the things of God), BUT MAN’S.” 24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must DENY HIMSELF, and TAKE UP HIS CORSS and FOLLOW ME. 25. For whomever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. 26 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?
Numbers 30… interesting… regarding a woman’s vows to the LORD, and her husband’s right to confirm or anul them … yes, under the OT “law”… but also relating to a woman’s place under her husband’s headship (which is definitely NT… and a good thing if the example of Christ as head over the church is really followed!)
Hmmm…. conclusions? – wait until God clearly calls – where God has you is good; He is your inheritance and portion and support, which is beautiful! – God counsels you, instructs your inner man – if you set God continually befo you, you will not be shaken, your heart will be glad, your flesh will dwell securely – God makes known to you the path of life, and in that path is fulness of joy and pleasures forevermore, found in His presence – always set your mind on God’s interests (the things of God’s), not man’s interests – deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow Jesus – your true life is found in totally giving up your old life and following Jesus no matter what – you will be repaid for your deeds (so make sure they are Godly!) – what good is it to gain the whole world if it means losing your soul? – a woman is under her husband’s rule, so make rash decisions or vows!
So I do see problems in the path I’ve been taking:
- I made some decisions (like, “We will move on such and such a date”) that I really didn’t confirm with my husband… and I’ve been pushing him to follow MY ideas…
- I am allowing myself to be embarrassed about the possibility of not fulfilling the decisions I made (on my own!) and publicly announced to everyone!
- I”m being anxious to move on when “I” want to… instead of patiently waiting for God’s clear call, which instead of anxiety would allow me to enjoy His Presence, providence, and support
- I have not been “continually setting God and His interests before me.” I am worrying about what others might think; worrying about disappointing those who are looking forward to us moving to their location; worrying about the “guidance” of human advice (bankers, mortgage brokers, economic forecasts, etc); worrying about our “financial situation” which looked great a few months ago but not so great now with the economic downturn and less jobs available etc; worrying about our “retirement years” and income/ self-sufficiency, stability…. I am worrying and am not experiencing joy, security, gladness, rejoicing; those things that come from trust in God no matter what the circumstances look like…. I am in a sense trying to “gain the world” for my own sense of “security,” rather than following Jesus (in whom is true security) no matter what…. And yes, I don’t really want he potential “cross of suffering,” especially financially…
SO… – I need to relax, and totally turn this all over to God – I need to patiently wait for God’s clear calling (hubby and I both quite clearly feel we are to move on from here to there, but when and how and what we’ll be doing after we get there is not so clear) – I need to do nothing unless I have my hubby’s full agreement (and direction, too)…
Yes, I need to get back to day-by-day, moment-by-moment following Jesus – even if there might be “cross” events in it!
I’ve also wondered… Do I want to move because I’m hoping there will be more “opportunities” there (for me!)? I have felt here that I am really not “doing anything significant” to serve God (and make ME “look good,” feel “personally fulfilled,” and such… Yikes!). Of course, I do want to be near our children and grandchildren… and I love living near the ocean… Am I also being influenced by thoughts of maybe getting to be involved in a “mission” over there that appeals to me; and maybe getting to spend more time with First Nations people (yes, I’ve really missed that… and missed “native church” too); and the chance to be close to some good friends from the past…
I am lonely here… I’ve had good friends here… BUT some have moved away; and some have started families and are busy with their little ones and of course are naturally hanging out more with others who have little one; and some have left the church we’ve attended (why is it that when people leave a church, it seems like that automatically is the end of those friendships which seemed so strong???); and some have just gotten super busy with jobs (just making enough to live); and some have developed illnesses and just don’t have the energy to visit much; and some have gotten really involved in volunteering or programs or hobbies or whatever; and then there are all my “work friends” – when I left my teaching job, that seems to have been the end of most of those friendships, though of course most of those “friendships” took place at the workplace or at staff parties…
And it’s not just the fault of others… with hubby working nights, I want to be home with him in the evenings when activities and dinners and visiting often happens… so I’m in a time when I’m mostly just available mid-day (when most people are at work!)… and of course “I” am the one who “dropped out” of the school (job), and I have made choices not to be so tied into “programmed living” …
Why do we lose our “friends” when we lose the “organizational hook”? I miss small town life, because in bigger towns (and this one isn’t even huge), friends are simply so geographically spread out. I really did try to befriend my neighbours, chatting with them over the fence, inviting them for coffee or meals or Christimas drop-ins… but to no avail… whatever happened to “neighborhood”?
Yes, Lord, I am lonely. I love my time with You (and am honored and delighted to have so much of it!) but I seem to need human companionship, too… and, oh yes, I don’t seem to be adjusting well to being an “empty-nester” after so many years of 5 children, and their friends… yes, I do miss my daughters very much… and I do miss my mom, too…
I’ve tried to be a Titus 5 older woman, but can’t find younger women to find time with… they don’t feel comfortable, I suppose, hanging out with an old lady (I sure don’t feel like an old lady! but I guess I look like an old lady to them… guess that’s another one of those not-so-great things about our society….
Lord??? Please help me trust… and wait…. and rest in You!
