5 February 2010

Papa, please take care of my auntie (and uncle, and their kids)…

Oh dear God… how can You let people who’ve loved You and served You all their lives, get dementia??? It just seems so wrong… and yes, evil….

I wonder, in their lost world of scattered bits of long-ago memories… do You really stay there with them all the time; I mean, do You at least give them constant peaceful awareness of Your Presence, when they seem to have lost pretty much everything else???

I’m pretty sure You sent angels to my mom – maybe she even saw You, dear Jesus – at the end… but what about that last year or so when she was just kind of curled up and it seemed like she wasn’t hardly aware of anything… but obviously she was “conscious” enough to still experience pain and cold and maybe even feelings of loneliness and stuff?? (Not to mention the several years before that when she was steadily “losing it” … and for a long time, she knew it, and was often so distressed by it?? If it “has to be” can’t You at least “hurry up” the process in that awkward, in-between time??

Are these “evil” questions?? I guess they were questions I had along the way, but didn’t dare to ask or whatever, when mom was going through all that… but to be honest, I’m having a harder time now with my auntie going through it – not really because she is so far away, or because I don’t really have words of comfort for the family, or whatever – but maybe mostly because my auntie offered to be my “substitute mom” during and after all that, and I accepted… and she really was there for me when I needed my mom… and now I feel as though I just cannot go through “losing my mom” again like that!

I know I “should have” Job’s integrity and righteousness, and face this with the words, “Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?”

(But how can You take my mom away – slowly and painfully – twice??? Or have I still not learned to trust in You alone? Is that what this is about?)

(I’ve been happy to kind of be a “shoulder” for my cousin as she goes through this… but now I have no “shoulder” for myself… or… well, yes, I do! I have You!) (But maybe in viewing You as my Papa/ Father/ Daddy, I’ve still been needing a “mommy” … and a lot of folks out there think that’s a bit heretical…) (though it isn’t, of course) (Thank You for helping me see this).

(And yes, I guess I should phone them and visit with them and encourage them…. Please help me…)

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