March 22, 2009
Yesterday hubby was feeling sorry for my pain, and bought me a bouquet of daisies and mums! Sweet!
After he went to sleep, I worked on my photos again for most of the rest of the day… and finally had the photos all uploaded for all the family stories I’ve written so far (up till the time hubby went to Bible School). This morning I chose photos to post on facebook as well, with a link to the stories and other photos.
This morning I wandered over to the church in the park. I say “wandered” because although my back pain is mostly cleared up, my legs are still kind of spaghetti-ish and if I hurry or lift my feet when I walk, the pain comes back and I stumble. It was so nice at the park. It was only one degree C but the sun was shining reasonably well, and there was no breeze so it felt warm. Everybody was very friendly, and I am really feeling welcome now and more accepted as part of the crowd. I am happy! Like hubby says, “They are real people!”
I came home and uploaded some photos to facebook, then walked over to ‘the church.’ I sat in the back row because I didn’t know how long I could sit with my back like this. The sermon was about reawakening your passion for God, for regaining your “first love” … for going back to the things that got you passionate about God in the first place… repentance, confession, turning to God, holding onto Him. I really needed to hear that. I believe You led me there this morning to hear that. See, sermons have their place (when they are guided by You!). By the time I got home I was so tired I fell asleep for a long time.
After the service I just stayed at the back for a bit, watching. The worship team was singing a final song, and people all over the room were just happily chatting with each other, and the pastor and a couple women were praying with a girl who was crying, and it reminded me of that day when I saw You among Your people. And I was happy watching, although no one came over to say hello; it was like I was an unseen observer – and now that I think of it, maybe that is the way You feel, just happy watching Your children, Your people just being happy together – truly I could see that right then they were in unity in You. It seemed like watching an extended family getting together for a summer picnic at the park. Small groups chatting and laughing, people comforting a family member in sorrow, children being picked up and hugged, teenagers laughing together and good-naturedly jostling each other. And I was thinking – wow, these are ‘real people” too!
Well, maybe I am more comfortable (oh dear… is that true? Is that a problem?) with less “formal” expressions of Your family (but oh how I loved those quiet Anglican liturgical services back in the past… Still, which there was a sort of “formality” to it, there was also an intimacy and closeness in that small-chapel-like-space, and the small congregation… and the corporate scripture readings and prayers of the people… and the kneeling stools in each row… there really is something humble and beautiful about Your family on their knees together…).
But I see clearly now that You are not limited by our methods and structures and “preferences” (and comfort zones…). Although, we do need to be careful to be aware always of Your Presence and Your desires and purposes… because OUR choices can limit You (not ultimately of course… but in the present moment, when our choices, our independent streak, our pride, our not-You priorities, and so on, get between us and You… “If God doesn’t seem close to you, guess who moved…”)
Which brings me back full circle to that sermon message this morning. I well know that lately I haven’t been as close to You as I should be… as I really do want to be. I think I have gotten distracted… by “church issues” and such. And even by my list of “to-do” projects – I love doing the stories and photos, and I am happy that they are renewing – and even creating – memories for some of the readers, who perhaps have missed out on happy childhood memory times… maybe the stories and pictures are building a sense of roots and of family belonging for some of them… but am I really helping if I’m not introducing them to YOUR family?
(I read again this afternoon, the final story before we headed off to Bible College… and You were part of it all the way through… oh dear God, please let that story-telling reach hearts, and draw them into not only our human family, but into Your beautiful forever family! Thank You for using my writing and photos this way… thank You for giving them to me… I so do love those children and people in the stories… but You love them far more… Oh reach out to them, Lord… Please be their Father – their daddy, papa… their elder brother, Jesus… their guide, Holy Spirit… dwelling in them, Lord, being the family they’ve always longed for…)
I do love You, Lord. And I AM sorry for getting distracted. And yes, feeding on the positive responses to the stories and photos from people more than feeding on, clinging to, desiring You. Please forgive me. Open my eyes and ears and heart, Lord, and help me see and love as You do. In Jesus name. Please! Thank You!
___ said in his blog that You love us just as we are! Do You? Really? I wish that would be true… I think I’m still trying to change… to please You… even with my efforts to think and act “right” about church and all…
I wonder what would happen if I could just be the “me” You created (I’m not even sure what that is… I felt when I read that blog, that maybe all my “giving up” of my deepest dreams and longings was maybe even kind of “going too far” … maybe there is a difference in giving up “what I want” compared to giving up “who I am”… Lord???
(Lately I feel like I don’t even know who I am at all, anymore…. And I’m wondering how that could be right?)
“I am Your child… my identity is in You..” Well, it’s found in You… or at least it’s fulfilled in You… yes, I think that is right: “fulfilled in You” : but that suggests that foundationally I still have a unique identity… one that You created, specially! That is different from every other identity in the whole wide world, for a special, unique, incredible, wonderful, exciting purpose… that, yes, combines itself with Yourself to become all Your great imaginative creative amazing love designed me, Your special, unique, wonderful, amazing, work-of-art child, designed, made, cared for, developed, fed… fulfilled, by and in YOU!
(So I’m not “ugly” … no matter what __ says?) (Thank You).
(And I really can be “me”?!?!?! And You’ll be smiling and happy with me, like I saw You smiling and happy with Your people again this morning?!?!?!)
I’m kind of scared… Because I really don’t know who I am very much… I do want to be a mommy… to all the lost little waifs You bring my way (I see that already in the story that is the life You’ve given me) (And I want to teach them, learn together, too…) (Sharing You… in a mommy-teacher kind of way…)
