January 20, 2008
Okay, so I’ve been reading this book called Dangerous Wonder: The Adventure of Childlike Faith by Michael Yacanelli… and yep, it’s a pretty dangerous book! If you want to upset your ways of thinking about faith – and life – this book is a good unsettler!
To top it off, I went for coffee with some people who just hang out and chat about whatever… and today that chat kind of got combined with the thoughts I’ve been thinking after reading the book. So I left the coffee place thinking, I just want to be able to accept every day God gives me as “it is what it is” and just go with it… I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut when people are talking about things I can relate to.. I try so hard to say nothing, but if I get started, I just run off at the mouth (And caffeine and sugary donuts don’t help!). But that is me…. I want to talk, share, tell stories, listen to stories (and I am seeing that when I am talking about things, what I want to say does come out as stories…) but then I think people don’t want to hear me… so I’m having a hard time being ME….
And then I came home, and picked up the book again, and even though I had actually intended not to, I started looking at the “study questions” at the ends of the chapters. (I find the study questions in so many books to be, well, just annoying… which is why I was avoiding these ones… but after I read a couple, I got drawn in… and ended up with a whole lot more questions of my own… questions I’m going to be thinking about a lot… and maybe expressing in stories… because I haven’t been writing stories for awhile… and I need to!) … So here goes with those questions (and quotes) from the book:
The “Dangerous Wonder” book defines “ruins my life” as “a holy disruption where Jesus turns my life upside-down in order to make it right-side up” (p 36, 169) … I’m beginning to feel disrupted already…
Question p 37: “When did I feel most alive today? When did I feel least alive? What do you think would happen if you decided to focus on areas of your life where you feel most alive?” …….. So…… I have a question: Are my “feelings of aliveness” what I am base/ focus my life on? Jesus should be the life in me that gives me life and joy no matter the circumstances,right? Are my “feelings” reliable? I feel so alive when I’m reading the Word, and discussing it with God through writing in my journal and/or on my blog. I feel alive when I’m out enjoying nature – and later on sharing that, describing it, “painting it” with words (written – and oral too) for others. I feel so alive when I’m swinging in a park, dancing and twirling anywhere, just having fun like a little kids (especially with other little kids, or with big people who still have lots of “little kid” in them). I feel alive when I’m writing or telling stories – stories that respond and relate to ideas that are important to me. I feel so alive when I’m playing with words! I feel alive when I am making a crazy quilt, or sketching for fun. I feel alive when I am doing something kind of risky and exciting, like downhill skiing on big moguls, or water-skiing, or jumping off Red Bridge!
I guess I feel alive when I’m just being a kid – letting loose the real me! Am I really allowed to do that (being 53, a mom of 5, grandma of 3, wife, ex-school teacher, etc etc?) Is that truly pleasing to Father? Shouldn’t I be doing something serious, responsible, “meaningful,” “acceptable,” “serving and ministering?” Shouldn’t I be “contributing” to the “program?” Shouldn’t I be “earning money” and being “recognized?” Shouldn’t I just keep quiet and stop “running off at the mouth?” (My friend R___ would say, “No! You should keep telling your stories!” I would love to – but wouldn’t my time be “better used” – “redeemed” – by, well, I don’t know, maybe doing something that is “approved” like teaching or whatever?
What kind of a life would it be to just feel free to be who I feel that I really am – to just enjoy living – and oh my, yes – feel that Father and Jesus and Sarayu are looking down at me with smiles on their faces – laughing even! – enjoying watching me be who I really know, deep down, who and what I am!
(Today I enjoyed walking down the street with my natural happy, silly grin on my face – and having a former student walk by and exclaim, “Hello!” – and then the next guy who walked by, a complete stranger, just smile back at me with a big grin of his own… and I just felt like dancing with joy! …. And then getting to sit right here writing in this beautiful dark brown leather journal, just asking You, Father, if it really is oka to be the me You made me! And yes, I do see You smiling! Oh joy!)
(That doesn’t mean stopping thinking about big ideas – because thinking about big ideas really, really makes me feel so, so alive… but maybe it does mean I can can fun and enjoy and be creative while I’m thinking about, presenting, sharing those thoughts! And not having to feel bad if some folks look at me like I’m crazy, or at least annoying… and quite possibly irreverent and maybe childish, and definitely a bit rebellious and breaking the rules! Ha!)
Yo!~ Thank You, Lord!
Another question, p. 37: “Can you think of something you’ve always wanted to do, but were afraid to try? Why don’t you just do it and see what happens?” (hmmm…. why not indeed….)
“Can you name one prominent dream stealer in your life? Did you ever realize that dream or did you lose it forever?” (Oh yes, several… but those dreams are still hanging in there… even though I’ve tried to stifle them, give them up to You, just in case they are “wrong” You know…)
p 36 “What do you think having an upside-down life would look like, in your own life?” (Well… maybe like that incredible summer I turned 45, became a grandmother, and jumped off Red Bridge 45 times to celebrate?!?!)
“What words would you use to describe dullness in people? (no dreams, sitting around doing nothing…) … have you become dull? (getting there, because most people in my life are there already…) If so, what does it look like in your life? (my kids don’t like to hang out with me much anymore… I’m starting to seem like an old lady…)
p. 19 “Who was your childhood hero? (my grandpa Mott… and my grandpa Wright!) Why?” (Because Grandpa Mott talked to God like He was his really good friend, when he prayed! And he had confidence in me and encouraged me to get my PhD first in the family! And he was proud of me! And he snuck provocative books to me to read, books that Grandma disapproved of! And winked to me when she got after him! And he was creative and inventive and a Jack-of-all-trades, and loved to learn and talk about new ideas till the day he died! Even sneaking mints to us in church! I wanted to be just like him, and to live up to his dreams for me! And be inventive and creative and rebellious-with-a-wink, and never stop thinking and learning – just like him!) (And my Grandpa Wright was a true English gentleman! Always! And I loved his garden… my very own “secret garden” and place of dreams and imagination).
p 66 “Can you remember a time in your life when you experienced a moment of wide abandon?” (swinging and playing on the merry-go-round in the city park with a dozen or so friends, all grade 12, 17 to 18 years old, late at night, totally sober but just having fun, fun, fun – and the cops sitting in their car staring at us in disbelief and then slowly driving away shaking their heads…) (And skiing with total abandon in my dreams… and sometimes in reality!) (And the rush of jumping off Red Bridge.. over and over again!) (And yes, the rush sometimes when I write!) (Oh! and sitting on the roof ridge while building our new house, my legs wrapped around the huge rafter, clinging to it for dear life, while I hammered in those huge spikes, and the wild wind did its best to blow me away!)
“What about giving yourself over unrestrainedly to an idea bigger than yourself?” (please!)
“If you could do something today that would epitomize that sense of wild abandon, what would it be?” (Buy a big old bus, camperize it, and just start driving – preferably with my kids on board – and see where it takes us!)
p. 67 “Life’s greatest adventure was waiting just beyond the limits of carefulness” (or just beyond “the rules”…. right now I am hating the rules!!!! And what about those in my life who impose them so that I apparently also have to live a dull life?)
p. 68 “Just for fun, list your family rules. And what are your church rules?” (the list is too long and boring… and not fun…) “Has Jesus been the Rule Maker or the Rule Breaker in your own life?” (Well… the Jesus I was introduced to for a very long time, starting when I was very young, was for sure the Rule Maker…. but the Jesus I’ve been coming to know is, I am becoming more and more convinced, is definitely a Rule Breaker! … maybe I’m just having a hard time actually believing that a Rule-Breaker Jesus is really that … and that if I follow His path, I won’t one day wake up and find myself punished for breaking the rules too… I believe He IS freedom, but somewhere deep inside the voices from the past are still nagging at me… “What if you are wrong!?!?!?”)
“Can you think of any faith-related moments in your life when you experienced wild abandon?” (Yes! Many with You! – and some other times – but then they get squashed…. Why? Lord?? I’m tired of being squashed!!!)
“What do you think it is that you’re afraid to abandon? (“pleasing You” by following the rules … giving in to people in my life who don’t share my longing for “wild abandon” …. “Your parent’s expectations” or at least someone’s expectations – or at least rules – that are still hanging ominously over me…)
p. 70 “Is Jesus beckoning you to fearlessly step out to follow him in some frightening and rugged new area?” OH I WISH!!! I HOPE!!!
p. 7 “Two roads diverged… the road of rules and expectations, the other the road of love. What keeps you on the safe and predictable road instead of the road of wild abandon?” (Being responsible! … okay – and giving up what I want – for what You want (and sometimes I resent that… so does that mean I’m confused about what it really is that You want? I’ve tried to give up the selfish me… but have I, in the process, given up the real me too? Are they different? What do You want from me??) – and for what others want (like how can I spend the rest of my life doing nothing, sitting in front of the TV or whatever – that’s what it seems like – because that’s what significant people in my life seem comfortable with?)…. I thought that is what You want me to be willing to do (give up my dreams etc if that is the path You call me to)… but to be honest, I’m really, really hoping that You’ll change that somehow so I can end up having adventure after all… so does that mean I’m really not submitting – to You and to others too – after all?)
p. 86 “When you were younger, what were your favorite games to play? (jumping off the garage, hiking up in the hills – without adult supervision, playing cars and trucks in the sandbox and building great sandbox cities [which I kept on doing well into my teens and then with my own children], and building sandcastles [which I kept doing, even with my grandson] … Oh! and prune wars and egg wars… and building forts in the bush – anything without “adult supervision”!
p 87 “Why do we let childhood slip away to responsibility so easily?” (Because that’s the rule of being a “good Christian”…)
“What was your bouncing-on-the-bed-never-again experience(s)? Plan a time to do it again this week and see what happens.” (hmmm…. I haven’t jumped off the bridge in a while! But it’s the middle of winter and the river is frozen…. I’ll have to think about this one! But I’m smiling already!)
p. 88 “If Jesus was playful, how does it change your understanding of Jesus?” (How indeed? I WANT a playful Jesus!)
p. 89 “Can you think of some playful experiences you might do? (I can think of a million! But I need someone to do them with! My son just said the last time I was fun was before my 5 kids all became teenagers in quick succession… well, I was playful back then because I had lots of kids to be playful with!… and I have had playful moments since… like when my grandson lived with us for awhile… and when little O___ came over to play with me regularly, before he started school! …. seems nobody want to be playful with an “old lady” … and to me, playful really is playful when it’s relationship oriented!
p. 102 “How would it change your view of Jesus if you believed he doesn’t want you to do anything – he just wants to be close to you?” (I “believe” it… so why can’t I rest in it, live in it, act upon it??!! I WANT to@ Please! Help, Lord!)
“Listening [God hearing] means paying attention to the way we are made. What if God’s will for our lives is what we like to do?” (Wow. What if it really IS?!?!?) “The word that describes doing what you’re made to do is “calling.” Based on this criteria, what is your calling?” (I’m scared to even try to answer this question.. because what if I answer it – and then it doesn’t happen? I’m trying so hard not to dream. I thought I’m supposed to give up what “I want”? Where does my “self” end – and the “me You created” start? Are they different? How can I know?)
p. 103 “The moment we deny God’s fingerprint on our soul, the instant we stop listening to our uniqueness, our God hearing starts to deteriorate.” (Although…. I am willing to exchange my idea of adventure for Yours – since I’m pretty sure Yours is way bigger and yes, wilder, than mine! Maybe I’m just bogged down in what I see as the “obstacles” to adventure, eh? Yes, the “dullness” of important others in my life (to my way of thinking of course), “old age,” lack of resources, responsibility to my family, being “good”…) (All of which are NO PROBLEM for You… but what if Your plan is jail and beheading – like John the Baptist, You know – I know there’s still eternity and it’s the real story… but sometimes it’s just hard to see – or wait for “in a vacuum” right now…)
p 103 “Start savoring things… and write about it! (That I can do! Yes!)
p 121 “What are some things you can do for others that will show passion for who they are? Your friends? Spouse? Kids? Coworkers? Parents? Reclaim some of your passion and give it away (Okay now I can do that too – and it really doesn’t matter – does it – whether they are as passionate about the result as I am about the doing?!?)
“Go ahead, live irresponsibly! Forget about what is sensible, responsible, and prudent and rediscover the childlike passion of falling in love with God (Hmm… like when I fell in love with my husband, and I ran around kissing and hugging everything in sight?!?!?) “Can you accept this challenge? Is there something in you telling you that living irresponsibly is too… well… irresponsible? What would it look like if you took an irresponsible walk with God?” (Well, I’d for sure jump onto and walk along the top of all the narrow guardways along the edge of the path – and go stand out on the edge of every cliff, leaning over into the wind…) Hmmm…. how does that relate to walking with God!?!?! Wow! I want that! I like – love! – that!)
p. 136 “God does not always rid us of the darkness. He joins us in the darkness. Do you gain any comfort from this statement? Have you ever sensed that God is with you in the darkness? (Yes… but it just now occurs to me that all I’ve wanted is comfort and security in the darkness – I have failed to allow the darkness to itself be a time and place of excitement, adventure, passion, fun with God, together!)
p. 152 “What a moment of grace! At that very moment Ted was Jesus for me. He was saying, “Mike, Jesus made you legitimate!” How do you think we become legitimate? Do we clean up our lives? Read our Bible more? Pray more? Go to church more? (Well… that’s the old message – but already it doesn’t work… So… how???)
p 152 “Have you ever felt the wink of Jesus”? (yes! Including right now!)
p. 165 “Pray that God would allow you to frolie in the fields He has for you.” (Oh yes!)
p. 166 “Do you think you are desperate enough to ignore the Dream Stealers, the Rule Makers, and the Grace Monitors and just make a run for Jesus??” (I better be, eh!) “What would a run for Jesus look like in your life right now?” (hmmm…. check back with me tomorrow! I’ll let you know eh!)”
