conversations, meditations, reflections
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Noisy neighbors, family visit, writers group, facebook, website improvements
Jan 30th
January 23, 2010
Wednesday I went home early from work, feeling sick… and I slept and slept and slept! Thursday feeling quite a bit better, though still tired and a bit wobbly.
BD came by on Thursday afternoon for coffee, and while we were trying to visit, the people next door were having a big to-do, and finally I went over and asked (gently), “Do you really want the neighbors to hear this?” The lady just looked at me and shut the door. Then Friday night there was crashing and banging and loud running up and down the stairs into the wee hours of the morning… and it has started up again early this morning. Wondering what is going on?
My daughter and her family traveled to visit for the weekend. They are staying over at my other daughter’s place here in town. At first I felt sad, because I miss them so much and was looking forward to them staying with us, but then I realized that we will of course see them a lot anyway while they are here, and it is good for the sisters to have time together, and the two little cousins (my grandsons) to have time together, and the guys to have time together (my son is over there almost non-stop, too!). Also hubby has been ill all week on his day’s off, and he had to phone in sick for the next couple days too. And then with all that noise next door, it would be really hard for the kids and my little grandson to sleep! So even though I was having a pity-party for myself, I realize now that You had it all under control, and things really are working out for good!
I went to Penticton Writers and Publishers (PWAP) group on Thursday night. We all made suggestions for group activities and goals. I suggested an email group – and right after the meeting one of the guys told me it was a great idea – so I set it up at 6 am Friday morning! And the facebook group I set up the other day, for people who attended my high school back in the day, is going well, with 21 members signed up already. Yay!
Friday morning, one of our nephew’s passed away. It was very sad. Normally I would have checked facebook when I got up, but I was busy setting up that yahoo group and getting ready for the kids coming – and so I didn’t get around to it. Finally, we received a phone call with the news from a family member – and a few minutes later I finally got around to my morning facebook check, and there it was splashed all over facebook. I was so grateful we heard it from family before seeing the comments on facebook. One young woman commented on there that for things like that, people should respect the family, and at least wait a day or so, until family members can be contacted. One girl who is a cousin of the young man who passed away actually found out on facebook, and she took it hard. Of course some of the people who posted were kind of incensed that their hasty postings weren’t taken joyfully by everyone. Hmmm…
This morning, waiting for the kids to call, I fixed up my http://penandpapermama.wordpress.com site (my “Hill gang” family story site) – it really needed it! And I added links to my sites on the new Penticton Writers email group I set up, and did a bunch of similar stuff. If I am going to be serious about getting some of my writing out there, I need to make things look “professional” eh!
Oh yes, last night we ordered take-out from Boston Pizza for all the kids and ourselves – and hubby was shocked at the price! LOL! Good thing I had lots of juice and pop on hand that I had bought early at the store on good sales; otherwise he probably would have had a heart attack at the price if we’d ordered that stuff from BP as well! ?
…. So I went over to my daughter’s place to visit everyone, and I took loads and loads of pictures of my wonderful little grandsons (they are just one month apart in age, 16 and 17 months, and great pals). I love hubby’s digital SLR camera! Then it was naptime – for babies and moms-to-be-again – so I walked home in the beautiful sunshine, and then set bread dough for buns and fry bread.
somewhere deep inside, a quiet Presence of peace…
Dec 26th
December 13, 2009
A friend wrote, “Somewhere, deep inside you there is a Quiet Presence of Peace… If you are like me, you do not find that quiet Presence to be your ‘normal’ experience; you find a million pictures that play like a video through your mind, robbing you of the quietness you long for, stealing your sleep.”
And I replied: You’re right! It’s something I have to be aware of all the time… It just seems so many things (ideas, “causes,” “important” activities etc etc etc) are constantly stealing a corner here, a corner there… like a beautiful, complete jigsaw puzzle, with pieces being covered up, one by one, by splotches of black ink.
And then my friend gave some examples of things that distract us from His Presence, and ended up with: “But behind them all, if only you could see it again, is the Picture of His Presence, the one that takes you back to Him, the On Who promised never to leave you, back to peace.”
And I responded: Yes, this is the point, the key!!! And why, I wonder, when is His Presence is so incredibly wonderful and perfect, do I keep allowing so many silly things to distract me? And how do I know what is silly, what is necessary, what is just dreaming, what is priority? When I had a house full of kids and life just went 100 miles an hour every minute every day, it seemed like I didn’t have time to waste time (and in some ways it was easier back then to consciously set aside a solid block of focused time with God… because I knew that otherwise it wouldn’t happen… but now it seems like, oh well, if I let it go this time, I can make it up later because I’m not so overwhelmingly occupied… but then I don’t… and sadly ha ha, I run out of energy “later” a lost easier than I used to…) (on the other hand, back then it more like seemed that I had to really focus on recognizing God’s Presence, and so that “focused” time was necessary… but now I am a lot more aware of His Presence throughout the day.. and I think sometimes I take that for granted or something, and maybe begin to think I really don’t need to set aside “focused” time… and yet, I really do need to!!!)
I do think that each person has to find the “technique” (which changes!) that Papa has (at any given time) for the relationship between Him and them. He has made us all different… and “The Daily Bread” (or whatever) is therefore NOT for all of us! For me, the journaling thing is really helpful. And early in the morning is really important (because my brain is dead about 5 pm, and the middle of the day is full of demands from work and family and such that seem unavoidable…) (and that used to be “my time” … but now, it seems like God has led me into involvement with “street ministry” … and 4 days a week I have to be there EARLY … and I just keep missing out on my time with Papa… and the street ministry activity, “important” as it is, seems to me to be more DOING FOR than BEING WITH Him… hmmm…. That just really hit me while I am writing this… that’s what happens when I’m journaling, just like that Papa speaks to me… but when I’m “doing” I just don’t seem to hear His voice that much… but we’re “supposed to” “love in action” aren’t we? But I NEED that focused time… when my mind is fresh and clear…) (See, it’s the “good” things, the “right” things – apparently – that seem, to me, to end up most easily being distractions).
My friend wrote: “I am convinced that when Jesus withdrew to His quiet places He did not fill the ether with verbiage. He simply shut off, for those hours, all the pictures and all the cries. Just for awhile, he ‘clicked away’ all the scenes of all the lepers, the half, the lame and the blind. For a few hours he forgot about the training of the twelve. He experienced the Father, the Presence behind the pictures and gained His strength from Him.”
Yes. I need my early morning time with Papa. Now what? Oh dear. Was this letter a wake-up call to me from Papa? If so, why would He have led me into a “ministry” and a job that take up those wonderful, clear, morning hours? I need to have a long, focused talk with Him about that… right away!
blogging at another site… come on over!
Dec 10th
December 10, 2009
The past couple days, I’ve been blogging over at another of my sites, “My Church Journey,” at http://normajhill.blogspot.com/
… check it out!
tossing and turning, lol…
Nov 7th
October 3, 2009
1:27 am!!! Well here I am again awake in the middle of the night! I tossed and turned for awhile, then got up and folded laundry, and made an “OPEN at 9 am” sign for our free yard sale. The house will be awfully empty when everything is outside!
Well, I’m just going to read Your Word for a bit, Papa. Please speak to me… Thank You!
checking things out…
Nov 7th
Aug 29, 2009
Checked out the distance from the new place to hubby’s work, son’s work, and my work. It is actually a shorter distance than from our current place, for both the guys, but longer for me. That’s fine with me – I love a good brisk walk anyway!
I babysat my grandson tonight, including taking him out for a nice long walk. I was also in a baking mood today. Made my daughter’s peanut butter brownies recipe, a “healthy squares” recipe, and cow patty cookies.
Weather!
Nov 7th
July 23, 2009
Oh my goodness! The fire above Fintry has gone crazy so all those communities are now evacuated… and the winds are rising… and the air here is so smoky, can’t even see most of the hillsides… and it’s thundering and lightning too… It is dark like early dawn before sunrise, even though it is noon hour…. We’ve closed all the windows and doors tight, but smoke is still getting in a bit… But yay, It’s raining!!!
living water and other thoughts from Papa to me! Wow! Thank You!
Jun 16th
June 15, 2009 yet again!
Yesterday afternoon as I was doing my “daily readings” I left my book marks sticking up at John 4 and Ephesians 3, for I felt that You had more to say to me from these passages. So let me look at them again…
John 4…. Father, I pray that You will give me boundless amounts of Your living water… and that I can pass it on to others so they will grow and become as strong and beautiful as You see them in Jesus, and that they will be a sweet scent and savour both to You and to all the world around them, and that in turn they will bring Your living water to so many others! Oh dear Jesus, Your water, please! I thirst! They thirst! Like the little lawn and garden in my yard that has, over a hard winter, become yellowed and scruffy and barren… and yet slowly, as I have trimmed, and watered (over and over) and raked and dug, and gathered and tossed the piles of fallen tree seed pods that were burying the grass, and added some fertilizer to the garden (thanks, Dan and Lily, it really has been a team effort!), and planted seeds in it… slowly but surely the bare spots in the lawn are filling in, and there is getting to be more green than yellow. And the dusty gray of the garden soil which seemed before to attract only cats (their smelly neighborhood litter box! yuck!) and a very few scraggly weeds, now has neat rows of lettuce, radishes, spinach, chives, parsley, tomato plants, strawberry plants… small, not yet ready for the harvest, but looking more beautiful and healthy day by day, in their rich black soil amendment added by Dan and Lily!
But, boy oh boy, in our dry, hot climate, if I don’t keep watering, it could all go back to that yellow, patchy, dusty, dying mess (even with digging, cleaning, fertilizing, raking…). Water, Lord! You! Living water, Father, Jesus, Sarayu! Pour it on, Lord! On me, on us (hubby and me), on my children and grandchildren and their families, on Your church, on the people I’m getting to know out on the streets… on all mankind! On Jason (Oh Father, heal his body, too), and C___ (use him,Father, to proclaim Your Word and share Your love, as he longs to do) and Jennifer (bless her for her kindness and friendliness and sweetness – she calls me “sweetie” but she’s the one who has blessed me, really… help me bless her, too) and Tim (Father, he went to treatment for 90 days, but came back in about 9… oh dear God, he needs Your living water so much), and Pastors J and P and C (pour Your living water into them, and then out of them, bringing life and refreshment and growth and greening and ripening harvest, just like the cold refreshing water that pours out of my garden hose onto my little lawn and garden…
Oh! I see! The “little” things You have me doing are like the “little” lawn and garden (postage stamp size, as they say), that I have here in my little yard, and that, even as small as it is, I have so much pleasure and joy and excitement watching them grow and green up and develop (every day, sometimes several times a day, I run outside to take another look! And to do a bit more work, add some more water, rearrange all those twigs in the garden so the cats don’t come in a dig it all up) – wow, just like You look down on Your little garden here in Penticton with love and joy and care and anticipation, and You keep on gently weeding and digging, and especially, watering with Your living water! And wonder of wonders, maybe my “little job” is being the garden hose, or the rake perhaps, or the garden fork, or even the little kitchen spoon I used to make rows for the seeds… these tools don’t seem very exciting or important, each one on its own, but they are all working together to transform a dusty, yellowed, dying landscape, very slowly but very surely into a beautiful green, growing, soon-ready-to-be-harvested garden – a small corner of a vision of a little paradise-to-be, imperfect as it still is (I can’t affford professional gardeners and landscapers to come in and make it instantly perfect, and anyway, that would take away all the joy and anticipation… and participation… and reality!)… as imperfect as it may always be, this side of eternity, but a joy nonetheless! Thank You!
(Oh my goodness – all that after reading just John 4:1-10??!! Wow! You are amazing, Father! Thank You! (No one has commented on my blog for ages… and then, just a few days ago, someone pointed me to the woman at the well: confirmation again!)
John 4:38 “I sent you to reap that for which you have not labored; others have labored and you have entered into that labor.” That’s how I feel about where I am at right now – entering into the labor of those who have already labored long and hard (always, of course, including You, Papa, number One, with Your graciousness in allowing others to help, to participate, to journey with You! Wow!), and now You’re allowing, inviting, guiding me into doing my small part… a cup of cold water in Your name – no matter how small or simple, it’s important, eternally valuable in Your eyes! And perhaps even the joy of helping to reap, to bring in the harvest! Yes! Thank You! It all seems so worthwhile now that You are showing me what You see, what You plan and purpose, what YOU dream and envision… and WILL – have already, from eternity! – bring to pass! Thank You! Yay! Amen! Praise God! Hallelujah!
John 4:46-54 The official implored Jesus to heal his dying son… and believed Jesus when He said, “Go, your son lives”… and then he saw that the healing took place right then… (v53) “So the father… himself believed and his whole household.” Make me a believer, Lord, and a pray-er – an implorer! – that others may see Your answers, Your miracles, Your love – and also believe! Please! Yes… “Be strong and courageous… for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go!” (Josh 1:9).
Philippians 3:1 “Finally, my brethren, rejoice in the Lord!” Yes! So much to rejoice for… starting with YOUR words, YOUR answers, right here, in my comfy chair on the front porch, right now, this morning! Thank You, Lord! Amen!
There it is again – Your purposes vs “my dreams and plans”: “we are the true circumcision, who worship in the Spirit of God and glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh!” (v3)
“7. But whatever things were gain to me (my big dreams, my hopes, my plans, recognition of myself), these thing I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. 8. More than that, I count all things to be loss (even if I seem to have “nothing” to respond to the question, “But what are you doing?” – “seem” because we do not see what You see!) in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ 9. and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousnes which comes from God on the basis of faith, so that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings (oh my goodness: we so avoid that! We don’t want it! We don’t believe it! We pray to be kept from it! We just want happy, happy,joy, joy, “success!” But it is basic to “being like Christ” – it is joy itself! Yes! Forget the goals and big numbers and success ratings and fame and wealth and health and prosperity!), being conformed to His death, 11. in order that I may attain to the resurrection of the dead. 12. I PRESS ON SO THAT I MAY LAY HOLD OF THAT FOR WHICH ALSO I WAS LAID HOLD OF BY CHRIST JESUS!” (Jesus laid hold of me! Amazing grace and mercy! And He never lets go! I am His child, forever and ever with Him! Oh dear God, help me to long for this great good news, this reality, this eternal blessedness and joy for all others – for You do indeed love all Your created children and long that none should perish but that all should come to repentance! (2 Peter 3:9).
“…forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus… living by that same standard to which we have attained (Phil 3:13-14, 16).
thoughts on fasting – the kind God truly desires! Am I ready to go that far??? check it out!
Jun 16th
June 12, 2009 again!
So I have just done my Bible reading, and one of my chapters for today was Isaiah 58, about fasting. Now I’ve done a lot of “study” on fasting before, even written up “how-to’s!” But I saw something “new to me” in my reading today – that is, that God doesn’t want just rite and ritual (which I knew), or even just “fasting and prayer” (important as prayer is): but that He won’t answer if we are not truly repentant (in action as well as in word!). So that doesn’t just mean “humbling ourselves” by going without food, or even bowing ourselves before Him and going so far as weeping and wailing and sitting on sackcloth and ashes! God wants true repentance – true “turning about,” away from all unrighteousness, to true righteousness, which is proven, worked out, in the actions and behaviors of our daily lives (even as we fast and pray).
We must declare our transgression and sins (Isa 58:1). We must stop acting, claiming, pretending to be, even thinking we are, righteous and obedient: we must see ourselves as we truly are! We are so blind, thinking that we are seeking God and delighting to know His ways, and we think that therefore when we do the fasting ritual, He will come near to us and notice us and give just decisions (to our benefit!) (Isa 58:2-3)
And yet we don’t even see how we really are as a nation, and as a people who claim to be people of God. We contend with each other, we argue, we fight – even among ourselves – which is wickedness. We go after what we desire. We drive our workers hard (often for unreasonable wages!). We enslave people in these and other ways – even in spiritual aspects like the Pharisees who put the Jewish people under endless rules and regulations – bondage – that in the end actually kept them from finding God. How often we ourselves do this, too! We point the finger, judging and gossiping, and being self-righteous. We speak wickedly, slandering people, laughing about evil things, complaining all the time… and we think wickedly, too, enjoying the “entertainment” of the world. We are selfish, taking care of ourselves, but not taking care of the poor and afflicted – even those in our own families and churches, not to mention those in our cities, nations, and around the world (Isa 58:3-4, 9-10).
Isn’t that what Jesus was talking about when He said that the “goats” at the great judgment will include those who thought themselves to be so righteous, yet they failed to feed the hungry, give a glass of cold water to the thirsty, invite the stranger in, clothe those who need it, visit the sick and those in prison – “the least of these.” And the result will be eternal punishment! (Mt 25:31-46).
Instead, Isaiah says, if you want your fasting to be effection, if you want God to hear you and respond to you, to come near to you, you must live lives of true righteousness, even as you fast and pray. What does truly righteous living look like? (Isa 58:6-14).
- loosen the bonds of wickedness, undo the bands of the yoke, let the oppressed go free, break every yoke (which of course starts with becoming freed from sin yourself, through belief in Jesus and sacrifice and death to yourself… and then bringing the good news of liberty and freedom to others as you walk with and abide in the Lord… and love and serve both God and others… all the time, as Jesus did, and as the Holy Spirit empowers you and guides you.
- divide your bread with the hungry, bring the homeless poor into the house, cover the naked, not hide yourself from your own flesh (like Paul said, take care of your own families… hmmmm… not just leave it to the church… or the government?). (Do we really do this? We live in such a divided society… do we even want “the hungry and homeless” to be in our homes and eat our food (dividing it! Which means giving away some of what we intended to eat ourselves – might be a good thing for our expanding waistlines, eh?!? What if they come back and steal from us? What if they make our house smell funny? What if they swear in front of our children? Wouldn’t it just be better to donate to the soup kitchen, or even vounteer (staying safely behind the counter, preferably… hmmmm..) or, if we are really brave, making up some sandwiches to pass out on the street, and taking our cast-off clothes and raggedly blankets to the thrift store? Wouldn’t that be enough? After all, surely we don’t want “those kind of people” wandering in our neighborhoods – or even walking through our churches where we have valuable expensive musical equipment and such! (Or, heaven forbid, moving ourselves into their neighborhoods and becoming truly neighborly with them!)?
And as for those folks in third world countries, does it really make any difference to them if we “get involved.” Won’t the money or food we send just end up diverted by some rebel group or some evil government, anyway? And if we do “go,” wouldn’t a couple weeks helping build a house for people, or doing some skits or whatever, be just as good as spending the same amount of travel money, but staying there for a long enough period of time (years maybe), and living simply, with them, as friends and servants?
- give yourself (literally, furnish yourself) to the hungry, and satisfy the desire (soul) of the afflicted. (What? I have to give MYSELF? What does that really mean?)
- honor God’s holy day of rest, desisting from your own ways and your own pleasure and your own word. (Okay! But we are freed from the law, aren’t we? The whole Sabbath thing is by-gone, right? Anyway, isn’t it more restful to go golfing, or relaxing and watching an entertaining video, or chatting with friends about the weather and about your favorite hobbies and your successes and all, while you chow down in “good fellowship” around the barbeque? Anyway, didn’t Jesus say the Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath? So shouldn’t we be able to do want we want, what gives us pleasure and enjoyment – that’s truly restful and relaxing, isn’t it? And isn’t every day the same anyway? What? It couldn’t be that “fulfilling the law” means going beyond the law, could it? Sure, maybe Jesus was right that looking lustfully is as bad as committing adultery (though, boy oh boy, that seems pretty difficult – and unrealistic – doesn’t it? Maybe He was just using hyperbole to make His point?) … but surely He wouldn’t expect us to carry that “holy day” thing into every day being a holy day?? Nah, that’s just carrying it way too far… isn’t it?)
And then, what do other scriptures say about all this fasting-and-prayer stuff, anyway? Let’s take a look: some examples:
Hosea 10:12 says to sow to righteousness, reap with holiness, break up your fallow ground (John Wesley wrote of “fallow ground”: Your hearts are as ground over-run with weeds, which need to be plowed and broken up, that good seed may be sowed in them) – seeking the LORD till He comes to rain righteousness on you!
Micah 6:8 – what the LORD requires of you is to do justice, to love kindness and loyalty, and to walk humbly and circumspectly with God.
Matthew 9:13 (s/a Hosea 6:6) – God desires compassion, not sacrifice: after all, Jesus came to call sinners!
Philippians 4:18 – Paul calls the gift that the Philippians sent to him when he was suffering, “a fragrant aroma, an acceptable sacrifice, well-pleasing to God”
Hebrews 13:16 – doing good and sharing are sacrifices that please God
Joel 2:1-11 – is a warning about the dreadful “day of the LORD”- the day of great judgment that is coming… but we do not need to fear it if we will return to God with all our heart and with fasting, weeping and mourning (v 12). But this is not a ritual form of fasting and repentance! Verse 13 says, and this is key, “Rend your heart and not your garments.” Then, our God who IS “gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness and relenting of evil” will “turn and relent and leave a blessing behind Him” (v 13-14). God calls all His people to “proclaim a fast” (v 15). They are to be sanctified (to be made holy, to separate themselves and come out of their unclean lives) (v 16), and are to beg God to have pity on His people and to take away their reproach and shame (which, by the way, they have brought upon themselves by their disobedience and turning away from God) (v 17-18), and beg Him to bless His people (v 19-26). And then He will answer, and be in their midst and be their God (v 27)! And He will pour out His Spirit on all mankind, and display wonders and deliver whoever calls on His Name (v 28-32)!
Matthew 6:16-18 – fasting (ritual going without food, humbling yourself, self-sacrifice, so that your prayers will be answered) is not to be a time to “look holy” to other people, by putting on a gloomy face and neglecting your appearance. Rather you are to keep it secret before God – and He will reward you.
Acts 13:2-3 When the church at Antioch was fasting, note that they were “ministering to the LORD and fasting.” It was service to God, not prayers for their own benefit! And He came to them and told them to “separate for Me Barnabus and Saul for the work to which I have called them.” That’s just like in Isa 58:5 which says “a fast which I (the LORD) choose.” Yes, God does reward us when we truly fast (with all that includes: real repentance, turning to live truly righteous lives, prayer… and fasting from food as a symbol of our repentance and of our seeking God and HIS WILL AND WAYS!). But those “rewards” are always a result of His grace, compassion, lovingkindness, mercy…. “not of (our) works (our “fasting” … even our prayers…) lest any man should boast.” We fast, in loving obedience and gratefulness, to minister to God, for His glory and honor, not for our own benefit!
Notice in Acts 13:3 that after they fasted (ministering to, serving, God), and God game them direction to set aside Paul and Barnabus – to HIS work HE planned for them – that they again fasted and prayed, and laid their hands on them, before actually sending them out. Fasting and prayer was clearly a regular, on-going part of the life of the church, an integral part of a daily lifestyle of “ministry to the Lord.”
Oh yes… and God does reward true fasting, in His great lovingkindness and mercy and grace (because no matter how “right” our fasting and prayer is, we ourselves can never “deserve” those rewards!). Back to Isa 58:
v8: light, recovery, righteousness. The glory of the LORD will be your rear guard (protection)
v9: the LORD will answer your calls, your prayers, to Him
v10: your “gloom” will be as bright as midday!
v11: the LORD will continually guide you, satisfy you (even in the hardest places and times), give strength to you, be living water in your life
v12: bring restoration
v14: you will take delight in the LORD and He will care for you in wonderful ways!
(s/a Joel 2:21-27 and Joel 2:28f. God will pour out His Spirit and will deliver His people who call on His Name!
what’s up these days? de-something-ing? BEing vs DOing?
Apr 29th
April 28, 2009
Sunday morning (beautifully sunny, and about 4 or 5 C to start with, but warmed up some). I made friend bread and took it to “Another Chance” church-in-the-park… or should I say, church breakfast on the grass by the Presbyterian stone church, and then teaching-gathering in the basement. I am beginning to be more friendly; I find I AM shy but just being there more or less regularly makes one a part of the group and people are happy to see you and talk to you.
I seriously had thought of taking my guitar along, but with the fried bread it didn’t seem the right time. I need to keep practising though…. I think Your time is coming. The “teaching time” was okay… ___ is “feeling along Your way” – and one of the guys said we really need to be praying for him – and it struck me that I haven’t been doing that! Not to mention that I haven’t been praying hardly at all for my kids either… or anyone else much. I had to actually search around for my prayer book yesterday… now I found it… and it is time to start again… It seemed like I needed to “de-prayer” too… let the “old” go… and let the freedom of prayer in relationship with You seep in… and suddenly I feel “free” to pray – rather than “must” – I am just looking forward to it now!
When I came home, I was so tired I feel asleep for 3 hours or so! and didn’t do much of anything for the rest of the day either… certainly no “computer work!”
(oh! and hubby steam-cleaned the living room carpet this morning! Beautiful! And then I reorganized the living room and my little office, and set up my new printer)
Yesterday (Monday) I didn’t get my Bible reading done, so will do doubt today – I was going to say “have to” … but realized I don’t have to… but I do want to…
I woke up early yesterday morning and okay at first… but after breakfast I wanted to get going on clearing out the spare room for my daughter and her hubby and son who will be here tomorrow… but didn’t get to it right away… hubby wanted to go out for a drive (up Carmi way a few miles… wow, wild country with deep, deep canyons!). (which was nice… but oh, it made me long for more rural living… coming back, looking down over the city made me feel side)… and then hubby went into Wally World for a few minutes (I waited in the car), then we went to the mall for a bit… and when we went home I ended up falling asleep for a couple hours or so, off and on.
When I got up, hubby had gone to sleep for the day (having to work night shift), and I went out, mowed the lawn with the push-and-grunt mower while the sun was still shining (we seem to be getting sunny mornings and gray afternoons…) and cleared out the last of the junk from the gazebo (except the desks and bed… they need to go too) and then put the bikes, lawnmower, and pull-cart in there and tidied up the shed (hubby’s good idea) to put some of the spare room storage boxes out there. I came in… and between watching some more NCIS episodes (and even a new House episode) with my son, continued to work off and on in the spare bedroom. Put all the small “file” boxes in the hallways, and took the rest out to the shed (with son’s help, thank goodness!). I just have a couple odds and ends to do today… and need to vacuum. I would like it steam cleaned before they come but I think that will have to wait.
After my other daughter toured that house for sale and phoned me about it, she phoned hubby on Sunday morning to talk to him about it, as (he told me) she sensed I was less than enthusiastic…. Well, I really don’t want to spend that much money (and if I did, I’d want, I think, more yard space), and it isn’t near the water, and it’s “all renovated” (with nothing left for me to do), and there are strata fees (not high, but that would be on top of the mortgage payments)…
And I don’t know what hubby wants to do (or where and when he wants to go) – and the same with You! And I don’t want to be out of Your will (or his, either)… And I am kind of scared of getting excited again, and then having to wait and wait (I think that’s why I’ve been feeling sick and tired the last couple days)…. Lord, oh Lord, Your will be done!
Lord, please forgive me my lack of trust in Your times and ways, and all my shortcomings… and outright disobedience… You know… and please pour out Your Spirit on me every moment today…
(And Father, I do want to be a meaningful part of a gathering Your church… Your way, Your direction, Your will, plans, ways, timing, people… Your will be done! (please!)) Thank You!
…. later… so I tidied up, did dishes, muffins for breakfast. Then walked over to Tuesday coffee time (Another Chance Street Ministry). Had a really good – awesome – time listening to ___ (with input from others) talking about servanthood (aka real leadership); relationship with Father (like a boat heading toward Father: and everything else follows in the wake, so to speak; and forgiveness (and I realized that there IS a area in which I have been harboring unforgiveness… and I’ve been avoiding thinking about it, because a lot of my anger has to do with how others have been hurt (plus, yes, my own hurt feelings)… Father, I think I’ve held onto that… I have HATED how much it really hurt people… Father I DO want to forgive (but am I “betraying” others who have been hurt? This is an interesting thing: I don’t find it so hard – anymore, at least; I sure used to find it hard – to forgive things that hurt ME, but harder to forgive things that hurt other people I care about [but then why does this thing from last summer still fester, as I just realized it does?]… I think that recent event brought it back… or did I just hide it? I know I didn’t like being ignored after I, well… made myself vulnerable… )
…. later… after I got home from coffee time, I watched more NCIS with my son… and then finished up ready-ing the spare room, except need to vacuum still and set up the bed and all… and then I sat outside on the front porch to read Your word… and then inside, and a snack (and watch almost 1/2 hour of an HGTV show)… and started writing this… but now my son wants me to watch more NCIS… and more… and more… and more (pretty much all the rest of the day)…
So Papa … I wonder why I am being kept here at home watching reruns of House and NCIS with my son, and just “hanging out” with hubby… I guess it is maybe You keeping me from “doing”?!?! … Maybe You are “de-somethinging” me, Yourself?
April 29, 2009
The past two days have been a colossal waste, IMHO. No more TV! In the past, my son has WANTED me to watch with him. Then yesterday about 4 or 430 in the afternoon he was suddenly saying I don’t have to watch with him… but he kept putting on another and another and another episode… and I kept watching… till 9 pm.
Don’t know if I disbelieved him or what… but I do realize that at some point I got hooked… it wasn’t just for him anymore.
I had a terrble dream. The alarm went off (530), I hit it… and went back to sleep. And had an awful dream. I was calling out Your name, Jesus – and the horrible figure in the dream was mocking, repeating “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” when I called You… Finally, hubbycame in (in my dream) and dragged the thing away (and then didn’t come right back and that made me afraid too) and then I woke up (thank You… finally!). It had to have been a short dream, because it was perhaps only 13 or 14 minutes from alarm to re-awakening… but it was nasty. My daughter was just a little tyke in my arms, I was hugging and holding her, trying to protect her…
Father, why do we get those kinds of dreams?
I need to be closer to You! (And get up early to meet with You… and meditate in Your word, of course!). (Thank You). If I’m really going to BE with You… I must BE with and ABIDING IN You… first!)
Prov 18:10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe.
Mt 18:3 And He said, I tell you the truth, unless you change and become [humble] like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
Yesterday at coffee time, ___ mentioned that scripture about the last great judgment – and the people really do think they were doing God’s work all along: but He tells them, “I don’t know you!”… and others, who didn’t “see” themselves as doing God’s work, He says they did do it and He welcomes them. (___ said those are “in the flow” people – BEing with Father, not “trying to do” His work). And that is scary: so many people “working so hard for God”… but now knowing Him – and in the end cast out into eternal darkness…
hearing You
Apr 12th
April 10, 2009
What a week! Still in pain… but have just felt led to pray and ask for healing. So I have.
My daughter and her family left for home the other day. Then another daughter phoned me and ordered me to take it easy… worried about my back. A third daughter and her family arrived the following day! The income tax return arrived and hubby and I banked most of it (thank You Lord!) and bought a few things we’ve needed. He is so happy!
Had a nice time with my daughter and her family, and they left to go home an hour or so ago. They brought lots of packed boxes and left them in our crawl space. They will be back in a couple weeks with the rest of their stuff. They did lots of rental (house) hunting while here.
Yesterday I go an email from a friend about “our church” and I emailed back saying I just don’t know how to respond, that I feel sick to my stomach about the last big blow-up and don’t know anymore what to think… that I feel like maybe I’m just crazy…
And she wrote back that Your Spirit does speak to me… and then I closed the email and did a couple things, and then went to Your Word and prayed my usual prayer that You would open Your Word to my heart… and right then You so clearly spoke to me and said that her word about Your Spirit speaking to me, was itself a Word from You… and that what I was at first so sure was You releasing me from “church” … and then me feeling unsure and depressed and wondering if I was wrong… well, Your word to me was YOUR WORD, Your Spirit speaking to me! Thank You! (So that covers the whole “Christian school” teaching job question, too, doesn’t it? Yes. Thank You!)
So of course I don’t know what is going to happen now, when/ where/ what/ how/ why our future might be… but I do know WHO: You! Wow! Thank You. Praise Your holy name. I love You, Lord!
(later)…. So for the rest of the day I did laundry… and scanned lots of pictures… and then joined a fb group of people who used to attend the family Bible camp I went to in the past… and I posted lots of camp photos there! Oh! And I also went Vancouver Island “house hunting” on-line!
