December 24
Dear God, A wierd thing happened yesterday. I pulled onto Main Street (which is one way) and drove the wrong direction. I know I was a bit distracted thinking about the wedding and all, bu I went a whole block (the street was empty) before I got to the intersection and was surprised to see all the lanes facing me across the intersection were full of cars sitting there facing me at the red light! I quickly turned the car onto the side street and scooted away – but it felt like I had kind of “blacked out” … and then I went to the grocery store and felt hazy while I was in there – and when I came out I had NO idea where I’d parked the car.
Lately every now and again I’ve been feeling that way – just really spaced out. In a scary kind of way. Oh dear God, I’m so freaking afraid of losing my mind like my mom did her’s (dementia). (Sometimes I even wonder if I have a tumor or something in my head). I haven’t felt particularly “stressed” – though I seem to wake up in the wee hours quite often, like now, and then can’t get back to sleep… maybe I’m getting sleep deprived or something. Hubby seems to sleep an awful lot lately… but he says it is because he just lies and tosses and turns for a long time before going to sleep.
Dear God, I don’t know what’s going on, but it scares me. Please take care of me, of us… Thank You! Please fix what’s wrong…. (Maybe I am just tired – getting older – and a bit stressed…. If I am, please help me to really trust You and rest in You…)
Dear God, yesterday I was talking to ____ and he was saying he is planning to go in debt related to the ministry he is involved in… And Lord, I was really troubled, because he said that the idea that “God will provide” is just another one of those wealthy North American church ideas that is wrong (I could tell he meant like the “prosperity gospel” and such)… But God, the thing I felt (and I really felt right now that You are saying to me, “The Word that I spoke to you…”) that You don’t want us to go into debt, and You will provide… if we are in Your timetable and in Your “economy” and following You, seeing what You are doing, and joining in, in Your time and way. Your Word says, “Trust in the Lord with all your might and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths” (Prov 3: 5-6) AND “My thoughts are not your thoughts nor are your ways My ways… My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts” (Isa 55:8-9) (and that goes on to say in v 12 “For you will go out with joy And be led forth with peace”- and dear God, there is no joy and peace if one is in debt – is there? Especially if one chooses it?)
AND “But seek first (continually seek!) His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added (provided!) to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Mt 6:33-34). And when You sent out the disciples to minster, You told them, ‘Take nothing for your journey, neither a staff, nor a bag (knapsack, beggar’s bag),; nor bread, nor money: and do not een have two tunics (outer garments) apiece. Whatever house you enter, stay there until you leave that city…”(Lk 9:3-5).
Lord, over the years of my walk with you, I have learned a few things – and I believe they line up with the principles in Your Word. Like:
- Your timing (especially in seeing “results”) is totally different than ours. You are not in a hurry like we are because You see the big picture and You see how every step of the journey is a step closer to Your kingdom purposes. So every step is important and You are using it and will continue to use it (to weave it into the great tapestry, so to speak – and there will be no fraying in Your work!) – it’s so hard for us to just take the journey with You one step, one moment at a time, because in our human viewpoint the “end” is coming so fast, and we feel like we need to “succeed” and “finish” and get things all wrapped up neatly, sooner than later. But dear God, Your kingdom is an eternal kingdom… and the journey with You goes on forever… and yes, there is an urgency to “bring in the harvest” so that as many as possible accept Your redemption/ salvation/ propitiation… but us rushing ahead of You (to try and “do Your work” … instead of just participating in it as You do it… so in reality we are so often trying to do it “for You” which really means making it “our work” and taking it out of Your hands (“As children bring their broken toys/ With tears, for us to mend/ I took my broken dreams to God/ Because He was my friend/ But then instead of leaving Him/ In peace, to work alone/ I hung around and tried to help/ With ways that were my own/ Finally, I snatched them back and cried/ “How can You be so slow?”/ “My Child,” He said, “What could I do?”/ “You never did let go.)
Right now I look at what You are doing in my daughter and her husband-to-be – and I remember, over and over, being frantic that You would “bring her totally to Yourself” right then and there… because “what if???” Lord, we need to learn to live in the “eternal now” WITH YOU, and leave “the future” alone, totally.
It seems to me that ___ is panicking… it maybe seems to him that the 4 years he’s already been involved in this ministry is an awful long time, and he should have “had success” by now, and since it seems like he “hasn’t had success” or whatever, however he sees it, maybe he is anxious to try something different to “make it happen” or whatever…
I keep hearing Your Words, dear Jesus: “The Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.” Oh dear God, it just seems to me that we spend so much Time, Talents, Treasure trying to create a place for You to “lay Your head” (Mt 8:20) – and for us at the same time, of course. I wonder – if every believer made friends with one poor person or family, and shared their food, clothes, maybe even housing with them… would we still have a “homeless problem” … yes, probably somewhat because of sin… but would it be such a big problem? … we do need to “reach out” – and yes, we do “always have the poor with us” and “can do good to them” whenever we wish (Mt 14: 7) – but what about the poor in the kingdom… we don’t even take car of thoe in our own body: it’s like we say, “OH well, the feet aren’t very important; I’ll wash my upper body and clothe it, but I’ll not worry about my legs and feet.” And so they get dirty and cold and dry and cracked and injured and infeted and all that – and the bod ends up lame! Hmmm…
And what about “in this world… but not of this world”??
SEEK YE FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS – AND ALL THESE THINGS (eat, drink, clothing…) WILL BE PROVIDED
Yes, we are called to sacrifice… but Lord, I don’t think that means we are called to put ourselves deep into debt… we really only need enough for today… and if we are really seeking Your Kingdom and righteousness, obeying and trusting You – why can’t we trust You to: a. knw what we need today, and b. love us enough to provide it (whatever it is – usually not what we think!) (including, sometimes, physical/ temporal, needs….)
