August 12, 2009
N phoned to see if I’d be interested in a Monday to Thursday 4 hour per day (9 am to 1 pm) office position at the church I used to attend, working in the office. Yikes….
I told hubby and we prayed.
I just am in “limbo” these days. No idea what is going to happen. So I have no get up and go. Could be working on my blog, photos, etc….
I so want to move… wherever… and fix up a new home, and furnish it, and start a job….
(Oh Father, the thought of that church office job just twists my tummy! Even though N says we do not need to attend the church… she said if I don’t want the job they might hire someone from completely outside their church. She said it would be mostly answering the phone and putting together the bulletin… but I fear that is wishful thinking – those kinds of jobs grow! … and honestly, Papa, to be honest, I’m really not sure I want to be that closely connected with that church… You know… I almost feel as if You are “testing” me or something… especially in view of that scripture I read and recorded yesterday…
Papa, I feel like crying. I so want to hear Your voice, to KNOW what You want for me… to just “get going” (even though I know You are in control and Your timing is best and all…)…. The thing is, I feel as though (well, the enemy keeps whispering in my ear) maybe You really don’t care what we “do” (some “good Christians” do say that…) and maybe I’m just wasting time sitting around waiting when I could proactively be DOING something (BUT Your Word says Your purposes prevail anyway!)…. there was a column yesterday about how women constantly feel “guilty” … boy, that is true… I wonder if it’s just the way the enemy manipulates us… and I’m tired of always worrying about how my decisions will affect others… and sometimes I really DO want to do something just for ME… and of course I feel selfish and guilty about that too…
It seems to me that I should delight to read Your Word… but I so often end up feeling guilty for not reading it enough, and for not living up to it, and… well, here’s a BIG thing…
I keep thinking I’m hearing Your direction… and then it seems like NOTHING HAPPENS. (This is true about my life generally, too) – I am having a horrible time trying to live “day by day, moment by moment” … I feel like time is just flying by and I am not doing anything worthwhile at all.
(And I’m so lonely for my kids, too).
(And I AM disappointed… I really did believe Vancouver Island was Your will… just happened on some “coastal” pictures today on Flickr… made me so sad and lonely…)
I keep thinking, well, maybe You have something for me to do here first… but what? how? when? etc etc etc?
I keep getting excited and hyped up… and then just fall flat.
I want to just put my head under a big pillow and hide and cry…
I HATE this… which is stupid, because I really DO have an easy life… and I don’t want the kinds of hassles so many people have…
Ha! I just opened my Bible and read:
“Hear, O Israel! You are crossing over the Jordan today… 3. Know therefore today that it is the LORD your God who is crossing over before you as a consuming fire…”
SEE? I read that and instantly I take it as a word of encouragement and expectation from You… and my heart lifts… but I am finding that as soon as that happens, I try to calm myself because I’m so afraid it’s just ME “reading into” Your Word, and maybe it’s NOT from You at all and I’m just going to be let down again…
HOW DO I KNOW WHEN IT’S REALLY YOU? AND WHAT YOU ARE REALLY SAYING TO ME, TELLING ME??
(Now I’m at verse 6 “… for you are a stubborn people… 7…. you have been rebellious against the LORD. 8. … you provoked the LORD to wrath…. 12 acted corruptly… turned away from the way I commanded…”
Well, that’s NOT encouraging… I sure do hope THAT’S not directed at me… but then am I wrong to hope that the positive parts ARE???)
Father, I really, really hoped that my writing would go somewhere… I really thought that was from You…. (not to mention all the other things in the past, like wanting to have a secretarial business and so on…. unschooling…. what about the whole retreat center thing?!?!….)
It just seems safer and more sensible to just get a “regular job” (one without too much “idealism” and “ministry” etc, attached to it…)
Well, the chapter ends with “29. Yet they are Your people, even Your inheritance, whom You have brought out by Your great power and Your outstretched arm.”
(Just read Psalm 107:4-9… could it possibly be for me right now, Lord? Father? Jesus? Holy Spirit? Oh speak to me, please, dear God. Please show me Your way… and give me patience for the right time to hear and see You… Thank You… 
Oh yes…. I went furniture “window shopping” … at an antiques store and at a pawn store, at Sally Ann, at Rooms to Go, Kondola’s, Sears, and the little furniture store next to Sprott Shaw. The latter was the only one that had stuff I really liked (but expensive)… also went to Zellers and Liquidation World. And checked The Bay the other day. And looked at storage units in Staples too. And I’ve also looked recently at Walmart and Canadian Tire. Guess I could also check out Rona and Home Hardware…. I came home and went through the IKEA catalog AGAIN! Feel much more hopeful about IKEA J
