Pen 'n Paper Mama

It’s almost a full month since I’ve blogged… well, that’s not exactly true… I’ve been writing in my journal, but it’s true:  I really am a pen-’n-paper-mama, even if I do love my computer.  There’s something about writing on paper with a pen that using a computer can never match.  Perhaps because it’s a slower process… and one is more physically connected, in a sense, to the words as they flow from the mind, through the fingers, and through the pen, ink flowing onto paper…  and paper, of course, seems in some sense more durable, more real, than the electronic signals that appear as words on the computer (and that are so easily lost if one doesn’t back up immediately and often)…. and one has to perhaps write more carefully and deliberately and thoughtfully, since it isn’t so easy to correct, and cut and paste, and add to, and so on…

I also started a new job… and then ended it, all within one month.  I felt so happy, so relieved, so free!!! when I resigned my teaching position at the end of June.  It just seemed so very right.  My husband was loving his new career, and the paycheques were regular, and even before that, I had felt so sure that God was telling me to stop “working” (job-wise) and to start really walking with Him, day by day, moment by moment, letting Him determine each step of the path, the journey… and trusting Him to provide.  I was brought up to be “financially responsible” and have always had a really hard time not worrying about finances.  Always I tried to “help” … as I really did, deep down inside, believe in that old dictum (which, by the way, is not Biblical!) “God helps those who help themselves.”

It was easy enough to take this new pathway during the summer, with hubby’s regular paycheques, but then summer ended, and his work at the hospital dwindled, and with trips west and east to see our new grandchildren, the savings dwindled too.  I still really felt that I was to continue to go on in this day-by-day, moment-by-moment walk, but at the same time, my old “helpful” self was rising into action.  I decided that I should “help out” by getting myself a “little job.”  I figured it would be okay as long as it was only part-time, and wasn’t too heavy work-wise, and I could have holidays off, and it would be close enough to home that I could walk so we didn’t need two cars on the road…  looking back, I see I was thinking in much the same way as one thinks when contemplating “just a little white lie.”   That is, knowing that it is wrong, but attempting to justify it by thinking up ways that will make it seem a little bit right.  Yes, I was getting nervous about the finances again, and no, I was not trusting God, even though I have come to know that He is totally trustworthy, over and over and over again!

So I looked in the paper and on shop windows and discovered a little bakery just a two or three minute walk from my house that needed someone to work the till and generally wait on customers.  It sounded “perfect,” fitting all “my requirements” (I did keep sensing the Lord asking me if I was following His leading, but it just seemed so “perfect” to me…)  I took my resume over, and was called the next morning for an interview.  The little old owner, about 80 years old, said I could work part-time, and he said that his other part-time employee worked 20 hours a week.  That sounded good to me, so I started the next day.  In the first four days, I worked an average of 7 to 8 hours a day, and when he gave me my “schedule” it was for 36 hours a week!  At first, I was shocked, but then thought, well, I can save a few thousand dollars before our move next spring, so this must be God’s provision… but at the same time, I now had no time to do the other things that God had definitely been leading me to be involved with.

Not only that, but on the 4th day, which theoretically was my final training day, I was training another new employee, and I had to do closing by myself without actually being trained for it.  Not only that, but the worker who was training me was very negative about the whole business, and I was getting nervous about the whole thing, even as I tried to keep positive.  At the end of the 36-hour week, I was exhausted, nerve-wracked, and my back was in terrible pain, because the job turned out to involve a lot of heavy work which in the interview I had been told I would not be responsible for.  My husband, who is much wiser than I when it comes to people, insisted I hand in my resignation.  I have always been rather naive, believing people easily, and ending up in untenable situations.  Hubby would have liked me to quit on the spot, but I felt I should give two weeks notice, especially since two other employees had quit on-th-spot in the short time I was there.  I guess my “helper” or “responsible” (or maybe even “co-dependent”) nature was kicking in again.

I won’t go into detail about those next two weeks.  They were pretty grim.  Finally, they ended this past Saturday.  God was gracious and got me through.  I think by allowing me to follow “my” idea of how to provide for our needs, He was once again allowing me to see that His ways, no matter what, are better for me!

Now, I am getting back into the “day-by-day, moment-by-moment” journey with Father.  Sometimes it is hard for me, because I want to be organized, I want to be responsible, I want to be recognized, I want to be able to budget easily…. I, I, I….  oh dear!

While I was taking that rather rocky side-trip (which had appeared so green, gentle, appealing… reminds me of Chrisian and by-path in “The Pilgrim’s Progress”) I not only ceased blogging (and even my journaling became minimal… more of a “diary” of daily events…  again justifying to myself that I was using time wisely… uh huh…), but I also stopped working on my “Mother’s Journey” book (which I know is definitely part of this journey God has set me on), was too tired to gather with the church most of the time, stopped calling my friends and visiting with people, even when they were on my heart….  even prayer and Bible reading became a heavy task…  Even my house-keeping went seriously downhill, and I started cooking and eating “junk food,”  because by the time I got home from work I was physically exhausted and in terrible pain… and I was cranky with my family and just wanted to go to sleep, because I was emotionally exhausted by the crazy things going on at the job.   And it had all seemed, in the beginning, such a wonderful solution to “my” financial “worries.”

One thing I did do, however, was take up the NaNoWriMo challenge.  Although not truly a fictional novel, I have started writing the story of our family, from the time I met my husband, and through the years since.  The challenge requires one to keep track of their word count as they write a “novel,”  and to complete at least 50 000 words between November 1 and 30.  For years my kids have asked me to record the stories behind the photo albums I have kept, so I decided this might be a way to accomplish this task.  So far I have written 46 000 words… and have only covered 5 1/2 years of this (to date) 29 year story!  Of course it is not fiction, in that it is a true story, but at the same time, memories do fade and the mind changes stories, so I am quite sure that in parts it is probably “historical fiction” although I am trying to tell it truthfully.  My uncle told me recently that in the Mott family (my mom’s clan), almost everyone are great story tellers, and often good writers, too… but they have very creative minds, and hearing the same story from several of them, one might sometimes think they are all telling a different story!  Still, with my educational background in history, and my conscience too, I want to tell the story truthfully.  Sometimes it is difficult to know what to include and what to leave out, as I do not want to raise old hurts - but sometimes leaving things out results in a different story to some degree.  Still, I am enjoying the challenge, and it was something that kept me feeling grounded and even sane in a very difficult few weeks (which, yes, I brought upon myself…).

But I think the one really positive thing that has come out of writing this family saga, is that I am becoming more and more and more impressed with the total love and care of God - Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit - through this long adventure of the past 29 years.  I cannot imagine where we would be now if it were not for Him caring for us, leading sp, disciplining us when we needed it…  He is truly mighty and loving and wonderful!  Praise His wonderful name!

I am going to go back in my journals and post up a few of the journal comments from the past month… and then we will see where God takes me, takes us, on this adventuresome journey with Him at the helm!

And if you are reading along in the next while and notice me taking what seem to be foolish, “self”ish by-paths, feel free to send me a gentle warning… thanks!  I want to stay on the straight and narrow path - whatever it brings.  “Man makes plans… but God’s purposes prevail!”  I want to be there, in His purposes alone!  Amen!