conversations, meditations, reflections
“Evil” questions?” “Should’s?” Papa, can You be my Mama too?
Feb 5th
5 February 2010
Papa, please take care of my auntie (and uncle, and their kids)…
Oh dear God… how can You let people who’ve loved You and served You all their lives, get dementia??? It just seems so wrong… and yes, evil….
I wonder, in their lost world of scattered bits of long-ago memories… do You really stay there with them all the time; I mean, do You at least give them constant peaceful awareness of Your Presence, when they seem to have lost pretty much everything else???
I’m pretty sure You sent angels to my mom – maybe she even saw You, dear Jesus – at the end… but what about that last year or so when she was just kind of curled up and it seemed like she wasn’t hardly aware of anything… but obviously she was “conscious” enough to still experience pain and cold and maybe even feelings of loneliness and stuff?? (Not to mention the several years before that when she was steadily “losing it” … and for a long time, she knew it, and was often so distressed by it?? If it “has to be” can’t You at least “hurry up” the process in that awkward, in-between time??
Are these “evil” questions?? I guess they were questions I had along the way, but didn’t dare to ask or whatever, when mom was going through all that… but to be honest, I’m having a harder time now with my auntie going through it – not really because she is so far away, or because I don’t really have words of comfort for the family, or whatever – but maybe mostly because my auntie offered to be my “substitute mom” during and after all that, and I accepted… and she really was there for me when I needed my mom… and now I feel as though I just cannot go through “losing my mom” again like that!
I know I “should have” Job’s integrity and righteousness, and face this with the words, “Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?”
(But how can You take my mom away – slowly and painfully – twice??? Or have I still not learned to trust in You alone? Is that what this is about?)
(I’ve been happy to kind of be a “shoulder” for my cousin as she goes through this… but now I have no “shoulder” for myself… or… well, yes, I do! I have You!) (But maybe in viewing You as my Papa/ Father/ Daddy, I’ve still been needing a “mommy” … and a lot of folks out there think that’s a bit heretical…) (though it isn’t, of course) (Thank You for helping me see this).
(And yes, I guess I should phone them and visit with them and encourage them…. Please help me…)
What a day!
Feb 5th
3 February 2010
Up at 5:10 am. Made blueberry muffins, pepperoni scones, did dishes. My daughter came with me to street church coffee time. Then I went to work, and it was a very, very busy day. Home for a mid-afternoon lunch, to the store for some groceries, home again. And in the next 3 hours, made nearly 9 dozen pieces of fry bread, played scrabble with my daughter, watched “The Proposal” movie and laughed and laughed, did dishes, cleaned the house downstairs, did laundry, and checked facebook. Then to my other daughter’s house for a family supper, playing scrabble and clue with the kids, dancing and twirling with my little grandson, taking lots of pictures, and home to bed at 9 pm!
By the way, this morning I googled my birthdate and “number one hit” … and found out the number one hit when I was born was “Rock around the Clock!” That got my toes tapping all day. Usually when I dance with my grandson (packing him in my arms!), I hum or sing something waltzy – but this time we were rocking and rolling to “Rock around the Clock!” And the little guy – 16 months old – was laughing and singing along, “Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock…!”
Boasting that we understand and know You!
Feb 5th
31 January 2010
Prov 9:10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
Jer 9:23 Thus says the LORD, let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; 24 but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things,” declares the LORD.
Yes! Our “pride,” our “boasting” is, must be, in the LORD alone!
You keep calling me to time with You
Feb 5th
30 January 2010
The last couple nights I’ve been dreaming a lot, unsettling dreams. Anyway, I woke up early this morning from yet another dream, and I was really tired. I didn’t want to wake up and get up at all, and I even prayed that You would help me get some peaceful sleep. But at first I couldn’t sleep, and so I figured I’d try praying a bit, but instead of sitting up and turning on the light, I stayed snuggled down in my warm, comfy bed in the dark, and of course I couldn’t focus, and my mind just wandered. Finally, I did fall back asleep, right into yet another unsettling dream – one in which I dreamed I was sleeping and dreaming! And in that dream an alarm clock woke me up – and I realized that You were waking me, calling me to time with You – so I really woke up, sat up and turned on the light – and here I am!
(It was amazingly clear how I knew in my dream-within-a-dream that the alarm ringing was certainly from You! And another thing – I knew, even in the inside-dream, that the alarm ringing was itself part of the dream, not from a “real” alarm clock!).
Well, I’m wide awake now! Thank You! To Your word – Oh dear God, please speak to my spirit by Your Spirit, and teach me Your words, give me Your understanding and knowledge and wisdom, and oh dear God, make it a real, live, active part of my life – please draw me into ever closer, active, walking relationship with You – truly knowing You, loving You, obeying You, worshiping and glorifying You!
Updating my websites, e-groups etc – but getting distracted from Your word and prayer
Feb 5th
29 January 2010
I’ve added 4 articles to the home school section of my website – things I wrote in the past, but now have revamped for the site ( http://www.penandpapermama2.com – Conversations, Reflections and Meditations). I also finally actually wrote three “Penticton Pedestrian” snippets from notes I recorded in mid-January, and posted them on the Penticton Writers Yahoo group (which now has 3 members)…
My high school group on facebook now has 27 members, and I sent out more invitations. I do wish people would get more involved in the discussions!
I haven’t been spending as much time as I should in Your word and in prayer. I really need to spend focused time in the early morning, right in bed before I get up, because if I get up first, I get distracted! Of course sometimes that isn’t possible, with hubby and I having such different schedules, and with the early morning coffee times I am a part of. Guess I just need to be more self-disciplined about giving into distractions (especially ones like facebook – Praise the Lord, I’m not so distracted by TV these days! Thank You!).
Less than 2 days before my daughter comes to visit. She said she was reading my “Mothers Journey” site (http://mothersjourney.shawwebspace.ca ) – see seemed kind of amazed, lol!
Urge to pray perseveringly – for what? For Your will! For victory over the enemy’s attacks!
Feb 5th
28 January 2010
Just woke up this morning with a need to pray for someone… for Pastor P, I think …. I don’t know the details, all I can pray is that the enemy’s efforts to block God’s work downtown will be overcome…. and that God will give Pastor P godly wisdom and truth in what he says, and the end result of the downtown association meeting this morning will be in fulfillment of God’s purposes alone, and in God’s way and timing, and all and only for God’s – Jesus, Father, Holy Spirit’s – glory alone. (Where did all that come from? I didn’t even know who to pray for… but started anyway… and then the person’s name came… and then details! That is how the Spirit works!).
I still feel urged to keep on praying…
Dear God, whatever this urgent situation is, whether it is what I think it might be about, or something else altogether (maybe even other people, too… maybe You are calling me to go on to pray for others… my children and grandchildren and families perhaps; or people in Haiti or elsewhere in trouble; or maybe D&L (haven’t seen them for awhile; please take care of them, Papa); or whatever, whoever You have in mind for me to pray for… oh Father, there are so many needs everywhere! But oh dear God, whatever it is You are calling me to pray for (and I do think it is especially about Pastor P and his outreach…) please – Your will be done, and You be glorified! Victory in Jesus!!!
I just tried to start my Bible reading – but You are saying, “Keep praying!” This is a BATTLE, isn’t it? Dear God, please be victorious! Father, with one word from Your lips, all evil could be banished… and yet You choose to let Your children battle through prayer, and even have Your angels battle the fallen ones (like in the story of Daniel)… and it can take a long time (and it does seem like the enemy often surges forward and wins many skirmishes and battles along the way…)
(And yet… we know the final outcome – we know You win the great war, and that good prevails and evil is destroyed – we know that Jesus brought the victory, the life eternal, the restored relationship between You and Your children, once and for all, on the cross – 2 thousand years ago!)
(I just re-read The Last Battle of Narnia (by C S Lewis) again, recently – and the children and the good Narnians are broken-hearted, for it appears that the good and true Narnia has been defeated once and for all time, and is no more – but then the dark stable door is opened, and they step through, thinking it is the end – only to discover that it is truly only the beginning, and that the real, true Narnia is alive and growing and wonderful and will last forever, and that Aslan will never again be far away from them!)
Well, then, satan: Persevering prayer is necessary! (Since you were sitting on my shoulder this morning, suggesting that one little prayer should be enough, and reminding me of times when I prayed perseveringly in the past, and yet it seemed like nothing good happened, and sometimes it even seemed like things got worse… but as I reminded you, the one thing I prayed most perseveringly about (and am still praying about), and which seemed for a long, long time to become only darker and more hopeless, has finally, years later, begun to break out gloriously into God’s light and life – and I KNOW the darkness can never overtake it again!
You simply don’t want us to pray perseveringly, enemy! Because you know that persevering prayer is “mighty to save!” You know God uses the persevering prayers of His children to fulfill His purposes and draw His children into ever-closer relationship with Him! Persevering prayer destroys your own plans and purposes, satan, and you can’t stand it! You fear it! You know that the war is already won, and that any little apparent wins for your side in the ongoing battles and skirmishes you launch, are only temporary, and that your time is growing shorter every day.
(Papa! I asked You just a few days ago about “persevering prayer” and now You have answered – in a mighty, hands-on way! Not just “words,” but yes, in the thick of the battle! Thank You! Amen! ? Praise the Lord! ? )
Psalm 24:8 Who is the King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle! … 10… The LORD of hosts, He is the King of glory!
1 Thess 5:17 pray without ceasing
Jude 20 praying in the Holy Spirit
Acts 1:14 devoting themselves to prayer
Philippians 4:6 in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving… and the peace of God will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus
Ephesians 6:10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13. Therefore, take up the full armor of God [truth, righteousness, gospel of peace, faith, salvation, the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God], so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm!
writing, Olympic flame, website and blog updates
Jan 30th
January 25, 2010
I’ve been looking through my website, especially the prayers and meditations I wrote a few years back. Worth re-reading, at least for myself, I think! And I looked through a bind of old “church newsletters” for which I wrote articles… I found the “Easter” one that I thought I had totally lost, so now I have copied it into its place on my site.
Wondering about picking out favorite poems, prayers, articles… and self-publishing?? Papa???
Yeehaw! I went down to the mailbox to check the mail – and I got there just in time to watch the Olympic flame jogging by!
BTW….
Haven’t been writing much for this blog just lately… but been doing lots of updating on my website (http://penandpapermama2.com) and the “my church journey” blog (http://normajhill.blogspot.com )
praying specifically… or maybe not so much
Jan 30th
January 25, 2010
Luke 11:8 “I tell you, even though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his persistence he will get up and give him as much as he needs. 9. So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 10. For everyone who asks, receives, and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it will be opened.
I have been wondering about – well, not persistence so much (though I have been sensing I need to be more persistent in my prayers, especially for the salvation of family members and others, and for the fulfillment of God’s purposes in His church and kingdom, and so on). But wondering about the whole thing about “praying specifically.” Some people thing this is really important – and that “not praying specifically” is a cop-out and shows lack of faith. (I guess this also goes along with “pray big” … and maybe even “dream/ envision big” …)
Anyway, the thing I wonder is whether it really is best to, well, tell God exactly what we want/need/desire and/or tell Him exactly what to do, or beg Him to fulfill “our vision” or whatever. It’s just been my experience, over and over, that God’s foreknowledge and eternal purposes and sovereignty are so far beyond our imaginings (or even our faith…) – and I dread the thought of short-circuiting His plans by insisting on mine! I know I often feel quite certain that God is speaking to me about this or that – but always I am concerned that my own wishes and perceptions and desires might be getting mixed up in it all.
feeling bad about my noisy neighbor attitude!
Jan 30th
January 24, 2010
Friday night our neighbors were so loud till the wee hours, then quiet for maybe 6 hours or so, and then loud again all day Saturday. I was whining and complaining to anyone who would listen (though I didn’t bother to go and see if they needed some help or something) – and then on Saturday night there they were loading up a moving van in the dark. And now I’m feeling bad, because I never introduced Jesus to them. In fact I only spoke to them twice in the almost 4 months we lived side by side, and both times I was asking them to quiet down. Sure I tried to do it politely and gently, but then I whined and complained about it to others, and even wrote a letter to the strata (oh, and shoveled snow off their walk once or twice, whoopdeedoo!).
Had a wonderful time with the kids all over for supper last night. The little cousins are so cute together.
Noisy neighbors, family visit, writers group, facebook, website improvements
Jan 30th
January 23, 2010
Wednesday I went home early from work, feeling sick… and I slept and slept and slept! Thursday feeling quite a bit better, though still tired and a bit wobbly.
BD came by on Thursday afternoon for coffee, and while we were trying to visit, the people next door were having a big to-do, and finally I went over and asked (gently), “Do you really want the neighbors to hear this?” The lady just looked at me and shut the door. Then Friday night there was crashing and banging and loud running up and down the stairs into the wee hours of the morning… and it has started up again early this morning. Wondering what is going on?
My daughter and her family traveled to visit for the weekend. They are staying over at my other daughter’s place here in town. At first I felt sad, because I miss them so much and was looking forward to them staying with us, but then I realized that we will of course see them a lot anyway while they are here, and it is good for the sisters to have time together, and the two little cousins (my grandsons) to have time together, and the guys to have time together (my son is over there almost non-stop, too!). Also hubby has been ill all week on his day’s off, and he had to phone in sick for the next couple days too. And then with all that noise next door, it would be really hard for the kids and my little grandson to sleep! So even though I was having a pity-party for myself, I realize now that You had it all under control, and things really are working out for good!
I went to Penticton Writers and Publishers (PWAP) group on Thursday night. We all made suggestions for group activities and goals. I suggested an email group – and right after the meeting one of the guys told me it was a great idea – so I set it up at 6 am Friday morning! And the facebook group I set up the other day, for people who attended my high school back in the day, is going well, with 21 members signed up already. Yay!
Friday morning, one of our nephew’s passed away. It was very sad. Normally I would have checked facebook when I got up, but I was busy setting up that yahoo group and getting ready for the kids coming – and so I didn’t get around to it. Finally, we received a phone call with the news from a family member – and a few minutes later I finally got around to my morning facebook check, and there it was splashed all over facebook. I was so grateful we heard it from family before seeing the comments on facebook. One young woman commented on there that for things like that, people should respect the family, and at least wait a day or so, until family members can be contacted. One girl who is a cousin of the young man who passed away actually found out on facebook, and she took it hard. Of course some of the people who posted were kind of incensed that their hasty postings weren’t taken joyfully by everyone. Hmmm…
This morning, waiting for the kids to call, I fixed up my http://penandpapermama.wordpress.com site (my “Hill gang” family story site) – it really needed it! And I added links to my sites on the new Penticton Writers email group I set up, and did a bunch of similar stuff. If I am going to be serious about getting some of my writing out there, I need to make things look “professional” eh!
Oh yes, last night we ordered take-out from Boston Pizza for all the kids and ourselves – and hubby was shocked at the price! LOL! Good thing I had lots of juice and pop on hand that I had bought early at the store on good sales; otherwise he probably would have had a heart attack at the price if we’d ordered that stuff from BP as well! ?
…. So I went over to my daughter’s place to visit everyone, and I took loads and loads of pictures of my wonderful little grandsons (they are just one month apart in age, 16 and 17 months, and great pals). I love hubby’s digital SLR camera! Then it was naptime – for babies and moms-to-be-again – so I walked home in the beautiful sunshine, and then set bread dough for buns and fry bread.
